Quitting dance, had never been an option. It had never even once appeared in my head. But 2 events consecutively. From Ray and from mom. Within 24 hours. I'm really starting to reconsider if i should continue dancing. If dancing is gonna make people around me so unhappy, i rather not dance. Dance is my life. Quitting it might means committing a mental suicide. But making people around me so unhappy, just because im doing what i like the most, is mental suicide too. Hearing their scoldings and comments doesn't make me angry, it just makes my heartache. It makes me wonder why am i being so selfish and persistent on learning dance. if only i just forget it. if only i just. can put down dance as easily like how i picked it up. But i can't.
I thought yesterday's competition was good. I thought bringing my mom to watch me dance, letting her see how dancing can bring so much smiles to my face, letting her witness how much have dance brought me. I was so damn freaking wrong. Why was i such an idiot, thinking that she would be supportive. Everytime she compliment dancing, i thought i see light again. BUT EVERY FREAKING TIME. within a short frame of time, she would just tarnish everything again. She asked me if im coming home for dinner tmr. I told her i had dance workshop. Immediately, it was that disapproval tone and face again. She kept asking me why am i dancing again. She kept asking isn't tuesday and thursday class enough. early in the morning, when i just woke up, im already not in a good mood. you bombard me with such tone. With such tone that i deem disrespect to what's so important to my life. you shouldnt expect a good tone from me. And she just left the house after i yelled her, ITS A DANCE WORKSHOP OKAY. IM JUST THERE TO LISTEN OR WHATEVER. I DONT KNOW WHO, I DONT KNOW WHAT. the moment the door slammed close. i feel like killing myself.
I should have seen this coming. from time to time, she would say things like 'watch you dance still need pay money, can i dont go?' or ' Its a waste of money.' or 'can you stop competing so much? you do have a choice to decide whether you want to or not right.' or just sending messages to me telling me to leave dance early because there is class tmr. MOM, TELLING ME ALL THESE ISNT TRYING TO PERSUADE ME TO RECONSIDER WHICH COMP TO JOIN, AND WHICH COMP NOT TO. AND NOT TRYING TO MAKE A FRIENDLY REMINDER. ITS JUST FREAKING TELLING ME THAT YOU DONT WANT ME TO WASTE MY TIME AND MONEY ON DANCE. I CAN DETECT WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY. every single time, i just kept silent or just 'orh' just to give acknowledgement. but does she know that its hurting deep inside. its like a thousands of knife, piercing right through every single part of my heart. even at places where i silently healed them, by swallowing back my tears and screams. and each time she mention it again, its like using the knife, to tear open the wounds, making new wounds, and pouring tons and tons of salt on it. Its that painful. Its that hurtful. Im scarred. Im hurt. Im burnt. It hurts. Who know. Who cares. No one. No one ever cares.
People think i have the best things in life. Especially a loving family. But its also this loving family, this loving mom, that keeps scarring me. I dont know how. I dont wanna rage at her. I dont wanna scold her. I dont wanna to not be filial. but the mental hurt that is inflicted on me, its too much.
So what, if i can get a gold medal just from winning a comp by just learning latin in just 3 months. So what, if i can get 3 silvers and 1 bronze, winning some of my seniors, by just learning latin in 6 months. So what, if people see potential in me. So what, if i really do have any potential in dance. The person, who i expect to be most supportive of me. The person ,who FIRST encouraged me to dance. My mom. She's thinking of ways and words to tell me to stop dancing, telling me that its a waste of time. because studies is more important.
yes. i do know that studies is more important. am i neglecting it? i guess not seeing me do work means im neglecting it is it? Just because you dont see me studying, just because you dont see me doing my work, just because all you hear is me telling you dance, dance and more dance, you think im neglecting my schoolwork? im just not mentioning my schoolwork because it makes me sad, it makes me unhappy and i dont want to bring that up to you. If you were to realise, ever since i stepped into poly, my hair fall problem is getting from bad to worse. My hair is thinning. Im very stressed up in school already. I just want to share with you joys of my life. If that means to tell you and show you that im neglecting schoolwork. then im sorry. im gonna clam up from now onwards then. you would have a bald and unhappy daughter at the end of the 6th semester.
Quit dance, i will turn into a soulless zombie. Continue dancing and cause unhappiness among my people i love,prolly ill cry myself till i forget how to smile ever again. both are committing mental suicide. and seriously, dont come telling me that my mom is right, dance is optional, studies isnt and i should always listen to my mom. i know i should listen to my mom, but dance is no longer optional. i have grown for the past 4 years plus, to acknowledge myself and worked hard to be proud to be called a dancer.
I dont know what to do, think and say anymore. Everything about me, is wrong.
Its either i let the dancer in me die, or i'll make Goh Chew Lin disappear from this world forever.
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