Well, basically. my title of today: Oh Little Darling. No, im not having a child. No, im not having a boyfriend. No, i haven't met Ms Ng. (Speaking of which, i kinda miss her. PUL-MUUUUUUUUUUUNARY ARTERY) But then, look a little simpler. and by simpler i mean, look at just the first letter of each word.
O.L.D
Yeap, today's topic is about "Old" or specifically, Looking older than your actual age. Now based on my experience, i have been mistaken to be older than my age since im a secondary school kid.
How old do you think i am? Twenty three? Twenty Five?
Well. Im turning NINETEEN in just a week's time.
yes im still a T-E-E-N.
Now, i have been mistaken to be older than my older sister who, for goodness sake, is seven years older than i am. Been called her friend/older sister since goodness knows when. I have been mistaken to be Theresa's senior by her dad. I have been mistaken to be the one who is 20 year old instead of Weishi. I have been mistaken to be the sister/senior of so many of my friends. I have even been mistaken as a university student even though im wearing a NgeeAnn shirt. (goodness madame, either you are illiterate or you are basically blind. but you are just a sweet lady trying to run a business and your waffles, ice cream and lemon meringue cake is awesome. so you are forgiven.)
The amount of comments that i have received that i am actually past twenty years old, is so damn high that i can't help but to think: Am I really that old? Now, i used to protect myself and comfort myself that i am "Future Proof". And what does that mean? It simply means that since i look like a 25 right now, by the time im 25, ill still look like this. So basically: I DONT AGE. sounds cool eh?
well, what a lousy cover up. "Chaolao (look old) then chaolao la!" okay fine. i chaolao okay.
but really, it doesn't feel good to be called old.
Which woman out there likes to hear that they look older than how they actually are? of course everyone is gonna be elated if someone says "omg you look so young. you don't even look your age. how do you do that?" well, not for me. All i get is the awkward silence from people whenever i reveal my true age. and to make matters worst, not only do i have an old face, an old soul, a more matured fashion sense (i swear i am improving, but its so heartbreaking to watch clothes i like go just because they are too old-looking for my age T.T), i have a tons of friends who are more petite and more baby-faced than me.
and you know what, some people just likes to rub it in my face that i look old. Yes, i always laugh and say "I'm used to it." but the fact is, no matter how used to it i am to being called and recognized as the "older" kid, i can never feel not upset over it. My sister likes to ask people who is the younger sister and how much younger am i compared to her. Friends always tell me how appalled they were to find that im their age, or even younger. Friends always tell me how astonished their parents or friends are to know that im only nineteen (or currently: only eighteen). i laugh, yes i do. but it never once felt good. I laugh, and i forget. But such is life. it never fails to remind you something that you wish to forget.
And since ive been through this, i think im pretty fit to write down the follow paragraphs.
Struggles of being an Old-Faced.
#gchewlin'sPOV
1) I can never ever ever be the one who goes whining and getting what they want.
Instead of saying "whine", maybe i should say aegyo/sainai/the annoying cute pestering method to get to the main objective. Being the older looking one in most of the cliques im in, i slowly restricted my ability to whine. Subconsciously i guess. I mean come on, won't you find it disgusting if i did that? Someone who is looking so old doing something like that. I don't know about you guys, but i can never do that. And being the older looking one, i subconsciously take up the "responsibility" of taking care of the rest. Even if there are people who are older than me in the group (yes weishi, im
talking about you).Maybe the next time someone find me whining might be because im drunk or just that im tired. But trust me. I can never bring myself to do it. Subconsciousness of being an old faced. and besides, those aegyo only works with people with a cute and young face. let someone like me do it, i would be lucky if a punch wasn't sent my way.
2) Endless jokes.
All the snickers and all those jokes. I've always known them as a joke. And i never minded to be a joke in the group of friends im in. I mean, i literally am the joke. And since that makes people happy then so be it. But sometimes, it just hurts yknow? Just from time to time. Just like your quota for a certain weak spot has been reached and you can't help but to allow that cold sharp pain pierce through your heart and mind as you slowly digests the joke from the people around you. It hurts, but its okay.
i guess.
3) Endless embarrassments.
Ever walked into stores and you actually have to ASK for the student discount/student meal just because you don't look like a student at all? I have. countless. Been to forever21 once and i had to buck up so much courage just to whisper to the cashier "hi, actually im a student and i heard that theres a student discount on Mondays to Thursdays?" (yes, they do have student discounts.) Been to certain places and i have always been required to show my student pass even though my friends would have automatically been considered a students. Constantly receiving that one eyebrow lift look from the person behind the counter whenever i say im a student. Oh and that awkward silence treatment you get from the people who assumed your age wrongly. Especially those who are actually my age or older than me thinks that I am actually older than them. All these embarrassments.I swear if my skin was any thinner, i wouldn't have survived till today (okay withdrawn. exaggeration) But you get my drift.
oh and one more story i bet none of you ever had experienced. I've been stopped by an SMRT guy to check my student card on my way to school at the BV station. I guess the orange light that signify the student concession at the gantry was suspicious because i didn't look like a student (more like a working adult) and he had to stop me, made me take out my ez link card (when my hands are full -.-) just to prove that i am eligible for that student concession. talk about the embarrassment seriously.
4) Endless cover-ups
I have to wear clothes that are more like "my age". There is a whole lot of restrictions to clothes that i can wear. Not because i can't fit. but because they make me look even older than i already am. And i can't be who i am sometimes. i need to make it up for my old face by being cheerful and lively so that i do not seem so boring, dead and old. But its tiring. Sometimes i just give up and tell people "yea, im 25 this year. im still in poly because im retaking my modules" it makes it less awkward than having to let them realise that they have actually made a mistake.
5) Self Destructed Self-Esteem
Self explanatory and you guys are prolly already sick and tired of it already. Don't condemn me. Blame my brain. my pea brain.
many know that i have struggles with how i look. My figure, my features. and on top of that, this. not looking my age, or rather, looking way older than how i actually is, greatly destructs my self-esteem. Sometimes i ask myself, why do i not look like a teen? Why can't I look young? Like Theresa, like Weishi, like Jolene. Why other girls are also tall and big build, but why do i still look younger? is it the way i speak? is it the way i carry myself? is it this is it that? and honestly speaking, ive had enough of self-destructing myself over a face that my mom has given me. i don't look ugly and im not deformed. and just for that, i should be rejoicing and jumping around my house every single day.
So now, at the end of this post, i hereby conclude that i will no longer whine in self-pity over my old face and embrace it. Call me old for all i care. From now on, i will not be affected by it anymore. And when i say "im used to it", i will mean it. No point trying to look younger. im born this way, and i believe when i embrace myself, my true self, i am beautiful.
I will be beautiful. right?
thanks for reading. im sorry its another pointless type of blogpost. OTL.
xoxo,
xGeeCeeEllex
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