1) University Applications
I really am feeling very insecure about this. If anyone followed my dayre, you would have seen the same thing as well. Initially, i was convincing myself that "yes, you have submitted the applications. Now just wait and see." But then as i see my friends having more directions, having enrollment emails (especially from the school that I have applied to, and for the same course), i can't help but feel afraid that I would end up being no where at this time next year when i'm supposed to be in University already. Ever since i decided that i may not continue science and received a provisional scholarship offer for a local uni (though i still applied for science courses, because that's my comfort zone), I have been banking on local uni. Since then, I've left UK universities out of sight and out of mind, even though i once reminded myself to apply. Now that its only left with 5 days to the deadline, I've nothing prepared, not even research on what school to go. I decided that I would not apply. Besides, the upcoming week with so many assignments due, i doubt i have the time to churn out anything (unless i don't sleep for 7 days). Right now I'm considering aussie university, not just because its my little dream to go overseas to study, but also because... i'm afraid that i cannot get into a local university. Then again, I don't have the ability to go unless i have a scholarship. However, keeping faith that things will turn out right (if it was meant to be), i decided to go and apply during the next IDP fair and see how things turn out. Maybe, just maybe, someone may decide to give me an overseas scholarship? Meanwhile, I'm still hoping for the best and that local universities will contact me soon. For a sport or an interview. I'm ready. Please just contact me. *fingers crossed*
2) Final Semester, Final Lap. But am I giving my Final Best?
Yes, I think I did a decent job for Common Test. If anyone followed my blog last time, you would know that I take my CT grades as a gauge for my final grade. Because it has always been like that since semester 1. My final grades never varied far from my CT grades. (Well except for one. but i believe that there was moderation because everyone did badly for the CT) But looking at all the assignments due and all. I can't help but feel that this is probably my worst semester ever. Also with FYP, everytime i send it to my supervisor our report and the replies make me sadder each time. I feel like I'm not doing enough. But I feel really really exhausted and scared. Every single day I wake up thinking "what do i need to do today?" and every night i go to bed thinking "no, this is not enough. Aren't you afraid?"
What am I scared of? You may ask. Like how all my friends who I've spoken to returned the question ball to me. What am I exactly so afraid of this whole time?
I don't really know it myself either.
Maybe its the grades that I've painstakingly maintained for 5 semesters going down the drain.
Maybe its the ego in me that tells me that I cannot be inferior.
Maybe its because I don't want to repeat history like in Os, when I thought I could be one of the top few but I was not.
Maybe I don't want to let people around me down, not those who have expectations of me. Not my mentors, not my friends, and especially not my family (I know they don't hold hopes/stress me. But I still hope to do well to do them proud. At least let my existence be of some value besides being an annoying PMS brat at home.)
Or maybe, its all of the above.
3) Friends. Or not quite.
As one grows older, I believe that everyone will see things change around them. For me, the greatest change I've seen is the friends around me. It's not just about people coming and going by, but it's more about... trying to figure out who's true to you or not. Stepping into the big 2.0 this year, i started to reflect on my just-passed teenage year. Yes, I'm no longer a "teen". Throughout my teenage years, I've met people. Been an outcast. Learnt lessons. Most importantly, I think I matured over time in the way I treat my friends. I sincerely believe that being wholeheartedly true to your friends is the only way to foster friendships. I was once an introvert (still am. but i still bear social skills. especially since poly life requires me to be more active). I keep very little friends and I don't see the need in big crowds. And so, from my primary school, I basically do not keep anymore contact (unless you count instagram.) From my secondary school, its only that few handful. I once asked myself, why do i have so little friends? I "credited" that to being an introvert and convinced myself that that's alright. Because at least those are true friends. I never once thought of even being initiative in fostering friendships besides that few precious ones that i hold close to my heart. However, Poly education showed me a different thing.
In secondary school, all you need to find is people who think and did the same thing as you. Same interest? BAM. you girls are friends. And because we spend basically more time in school with friends than at home with family, we grow very attached to friends.
When tertiary education started, especially in polytechnic, I meet different people. Extroverts, Introverts, or Intro-/Extro-verts like me. And then i start to observe how people foster friendship, hear people's opinion on how one should treat another. And i came to a conclusion, after 3 years of watching people's behavior (well just one. the other two, i used my very limited memory to recall)
Friendship needs to be fostered, and nourished and both parties need to take initiatives to.
Seeing all the posts saying 'Best friends who don't meet for a long period of time can still have many things to say to one another". I know, we all have best friends that we are very fortunate to keep. I do too. I even have more than 1 (counting my blessings everyday for them. Thank you for withstanding my weird and erratic temper all the time). However, how many of your friends, no matter how precious, are your BEST friend? As in, im not asking you to rank them, but how many can you actually list it to that level that you don't have to try to hold that friendship and try to nourish it every single moment to keep it going? If you have so many friends, of course there are some that you meet more often, have more topics that you talk to. Gradually, when you get busy, you leave people behind. But that doesn't mean you don't love them or cherish them. We simply stopped trying. Sometimes not on purpose, unfortunately.
I realised how much friendship needs to be nourished and held on to. A simple text, a simple encouragement to show that you still want your friends in your life can go a long way or simply being present. Also, it should always be mutual. "When a relationship has one party giving and letting too much, it will crumple down sooner or later." I quote my mentor, though not in full but you get the gist of it. I don't have a boyfriend (Not intending to since I realise that this is a problem with me too. I MIGHT post about it next time. maybe after graduation.). So all i can relate to is family and friends. I'm working on the family part, knowing that I've given them too much shit for the part 20 years. and as for friends, still testing waters. Because for family, I know that they are there for me, but i wasn't there for them so i needed to work harder. For friends, I don't know if they still want me in their lives. I'm not a perfect human being and I make mistakes. Big ones. I know I'm not the best friend one could have but it still hurts me whenever I think that there are some that I may have to let go because they are too toxic to my life. Though it hurts me even more knowing that people don't want me in theirs. I give my heart and my trust to a person who I see as my friend. I give them wholeheartedly and my 100%. Maybe the fault is with me, but i'm too egoistic to see it. Maybe the fault is not with any of us, but we just simple do not click. Maybe, I don't know. Its a natural process yet again, for people to come and go. And for me to learn who to let go and who not to.
But for now, I know I want to hold on to all my friendships. I will try my best. I have seen how friendships can crumble. For all I know, the people I know are friends I would like to keep in touch with, because in one way or another, they helped me up, they made me laugh, they walked through hardship (RE: typical woes of students) with me. And for that I am thankful. Giving myself a second chance in 2015, to (continue trying) be a better friend.
(Of course, im gonna be a better daughter and human too.)
That's all folks.
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