Expectations. Disapointments.

every single day, I have this insecurity hovering over me. Am I studying enough? Am I really studying? but my insecurities always tells me NO. is my expectation too unreasonable, or am I just overestimating my own ability? Or am I just plain.. competitive. because I don't want to lose.

Getting the director's list for last sem, didn't encourage me positively. there were in fact negative ones. I keep thinking about getting one this semester again. but I know, that's impossible. I can't help but feel so disappointed at myself for not spin good enough for this sem. people see me, they say that I'm smart. but really, there are things that I feel really insecure and disappointed about.

*Im serious when I'm say all these. I'm not some attention seeking person. I need to vent.*

People say 'oh you are smart.' Ill tell them ,'I'm not.' I seriously don't think I am. more of it being that I'm lucky. I'm not lucky that when I spot questions, it comes out. I'm lucky that my brain just so tuned the right answer out. if you were to make me do another paper, frankly, I can't anymore.

People see me as a mugger. I really have to say that I'm not. I know I have that aura that I keep studying. but actually, it's these people that makes me feel the need to study. I don't feel like a mugger, I don't dress like one, I don't speak like one. what I merely do is to study, because I feel obliged to. Especially getting that director's list, where everyone could see you. I'm suddenly so afraid. what if I fail this sem? what if I don't do well enough? I know I may not always do so well, but in so afraid of people judging me. people judge. but what I'm afraid is. one day, I might HALLUCINATE that people are judging me, and I end up judging myself too much and go bonkers. maybe im alrdy hallucinating, no one is judging, but I think they are. what is happening to me..

I really feel very insecure about myself. nowadays, it's been about academics that im insecure, because finals are nearing. but then. I can't deny the fact that I'm insecure in other prospect. more of it being I'm afraid of how people view me alrdy. what if they say that I'm doing badly because I'm slowly turning into the typical 'bad student'? what if people see me and criticize my looks? what if people just... see me being such a bad girlf. people judge. people say things. and I'm afraid of these. I'm afraid of them. but most of all, I'm so disappointed at myself not being able to excel in all aspects.

I don't know what am I saying anymore. I just know I need to blog, I need to write, I need an escape. I know I said I wouldn't. but this, I need to vent. Ill go bonkers one day if I don't. from overestimating my limits, and taking people's judgmental views too hard. and feeling the disappointment overwhelm me.