the bucketlist i made when im nineteen

the title sound like im super old and im now thinking back on the bucketlist that i made when i was young wild and free. But nope, im nineteen this year (cringe). and im making this bucket list so that i can come back at the end of 2014 and see how much i have completed, and how much work i have to do. I don't call this resolution, because in fact some of them i do not have any ability (financially and mentally and physically) right now. And in fact, so many a times when we say resolution, how many have we really followed according to that? yes, i made a resolution for this year, but deep down, i know that that would again be my resolution next year. because ever since the year that i knew of the word "resolution" and know what it means, it have never really been materialised at all. so i figure resolution isn't for me. But making a bucketlist might work. and yknow how some bucketlist requrie a ton of work, so i figure, yes instead of saying saving up money, i should say i want to go to paris. then i will HAVE TO save money and then i will hit my resolution too right? aiyah, i know its a little nonsensical but you get my point. So here's 10 current bucketlist AND 1 bucketlist that i know i will never complete but a girl can dream isn't it?

okay, so im not gonna reveal what my goal weight is because you guys are gonna go goo goo gaga that im trying to make myself look anorexic thin. i really am not. But im just trying to lose that amount of weight so that i can put back some on for muscle mass and won't look as bulky. I am really sick and tired of looking like a giant. All my friends around me are so tiny. and the fact that im already considered taller, having additional fats around me doesn't help. it just makes me look even huger. don't tell me that i shouldn't let others define who i am, and i should accept who i am, because the society bloody do not think that way. and im not even looking to be THIN. i want to be FIT. but given my current status, the muscles are all gonna be UNDER my fats and none visible. even if i build them up now, then its not quite visible too. which is why, i have to reach my goal weight FIRST and build it back up to an IDEAL weight that is suitable for my height. understand? no bashing here kay. im just trying to make myself healthy and relieve the stress on my knees. hahahha. i'll reveal what my ideal weight is when i reach it. which im giving myself 6 months, at most 7, to reach it. wish me luck! 

and the reason why i want to have the perfect body, hair and skin is for this. I don't want to be a model in the long run, i don't want to be a VS angel (okay la, not that i don't want, but its that i can't. im tall among my friends, but not freaking tall enough T.T) but i just want to know how it feels like to be a model. be it a blogshop model or some commercial model. i just want to try it. I want to commemorate the moment of being recognized as one with THE body, THE hair, THE look. because i have never been gorgeous. The furthest i can go is like just SLIGHTLY pass average on certain days when my hair don't fail, my tummy dont bulge and my face is free from pimples. and then the rest of the year im just plain jane lo. kinda suck when you see all your friends are pretty girls who keep telling you that you are pretty and all that you know is tt you look pretty on pictures because of filters but you cannot scream it in their face because they will be all comforting and tell you that you are gorgeous and then the cycle repeats until they get fed up and then they will start calling you attention seeker instead of gorgeous and then you will realise that you needed that compliment to get on with your life but you no longer have it so you drown yourself in oreos and fat food and get real fat and ugly and you lose all the friends and insist telling people that you are a loner and you are not ashame of it when you cry yourself to sleep every single day and you cringe when you look into the mirror asking what happened to you. woah, i didn't realise i just typed all that. okay basically, i just wanna be pretty. EOS. but even if i am not that pretty or drop dead gorgeous, ive been keeping this really healthy mindset: 

the world needs plain jane like me to show how beautiful others are.

its just like if theres no money in the world, the world is equally rich, because you don't see a difference.

so im the "money", im valuable because i show you the difference between plain and gorgeous. 

You are welcome (:

 

okay, if you guys don't know, im a huge fan of harry potter. i basically grew up with it. i have all the books and i have watched all the shows. but because i have very bad memory, i basically don't remember details. especially after so many years. which is why i want to rewatch AND reread HP. because they are like mega awesome. i mean, it isn't just a movie. its a life changing movie. it shows you that you have to Eat like Weasley, Study like Granger, Live like Potter. and that makes it better than watching a girl being unafraid of a vampire and landing the entire vampire clan into danger and the girl making a ton of breath noises through the movies without actually saying anything. (like geez do you need to be so surprised at everything or do you have to breathe so hard) okay im not against that movie and i know that there are alot of you who likes it, be it for the glittering pale white vampire, or the dark skined toned werewolf that transform and turns instantly naked and imprints on a girl that is barely 1 year old, or the heroine who breaks through all obstacles to be stuck between a vampire and a werewolf and drinks blood from a straw within a styrofoam cup. but yea, im not against it, im just not a fan of the movie. My dear good friend from secondary school, Pearlyn have read twilight for 10 times. and im not judging or anything. just. keeping. comments. to. myself. hahahahhahhahaha. okay but anyway, i wanna have a day where i stay at home and watch all the HP movies. one shot. though it will prolly take me more than 1 day. but I DONT CARE. MY HARRY POTTER MARATHON. WHO'S WITH ME?! okay no one? fine ill watch alone at home :(  maybe i should play HP during my 21st birthday celebration. YES I SHALL DO THAT AND FORCE EVERYONE TO WATCH HP WITH ME. but then, it will not be nice because i can't watch... okay maybe i should make a harry potter themed birthday party. KYAAAA!

 

 I've never really went out of the country. the furthest ive ever gone to is Thailand and its still a tropical country. Basically, ive never been to anywhere that has 4 seasons, and i want to. Especially during winter time. Christmas never really mean anything to me, because in singapore, it doesn't snow. So what's christmas without snow? and i don't have the habit of doing gift-exchanges, so all the more christmas is just yet another PH that i spend doing nothing. so i really do wanna go overseas, walk in the cold, in the snow. and to see the city flooded with beautiful snow. Some of you will know that my favourite colour is white, and black. but i doubt i wanna see a city in black. hahahah. ill prefer to see a city in white. and everyone is so joyful and just experience a white christmas. (:

 

 Well, other than just going to places with 4 seasons, i also want to travel the world. I want to go to Paris, I want to go to Greece, I want to go to Japan, I want to go to all the places in the world, even third world countries. it would be even better if i were going to these places to volunteer. To help make a change in the world. Singapore is too stressful, and people are often too caught up with themselves that they slowly hide hope and gratitude away. And it isn't healthy that im living in a society like this, because im slowly becoming like this as well. and being not that financially capable, i cannot travel as much as my friends do, As i watch them share their experiences to all the places that i wished i could have been, i can only envy and nothing else. its sometimes very sad and i just wanna shove a chocolate bar into their faces and shut them up because i was feeling sour. But then, i realise that that was just very selfish of me.it's like i dont like it when people stop me from sharing something i love and i would like people to know how awesome and great the experience was, but then m trying to stop others. so more often, i just stand there, listening to all the illustrations and picturing myself there when i lay on my bed every night before i sleep. and pray that i will be there one day. i will be there, and i will make sure that happens.be it im there alone (preferably) or with friends or with my husband or even my parents (i want to bring my parents overseas too,who doesn't have the opportunity to do so her entire life). But then if i ever get my first big shot of money, ill send my parents overseas first. before me. because i never know when are they gonna be too weak to travel. you say im cursing my family, but you know im speaking the truth. i look at my granny, who spends 24/7 on the sofa watching tv. so what if she have money from her children? shes too weak to travel. and some might be more prone to being sick and can't enjoy the trip. just like my grandma. so yes, this one i have two goals: to send my parents to travel and to send myself to travel. though i may not succeed. but i will try my best to make it happen.

Next biggest wish: WALK IN CLOSET DUH.its like the dreams of all girls. to have all the clothes and shoes in one place. but even if i have the money to make a walk in closet, i need to have the money to fill it up. hahahaha. but i still want a walk in closet.with all the pretty clothes, shoes and accessories. the best thing is if they are like automated like the ones in Princess Diaries. SO COOL AND AWESOME.i can just spend a day in the closet immersed in happiness. so in my future home, i will have a walk in closet. and i will die without regrets if i can get one. even if it is small.

for some of you might not know, i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee IKEA! okay aside from the super duper nice hot dog bun and food in there, (im a sucker for food.) i love furniture! i love to go to IKEA and just look at all of them, and imagine like im really revamping my room/house. i would go in my head "okay this will look good. ill take this". but then of course it doesn't happen in real life. and theres so many nice decorations in ikea that i wanna bring home! but i cant because they cost money and they need space, which i have neither. HAHAHA. but i hope that next time when i have my own room/house, i can go on a no-budget spree and just grab anything i like. (cue black and white and wooden furniture.) hahahah! IKEAAAA~ <3

i really like taking photographs but most of the time im too conscious of how people will think if i ever scoop out my phone and take pictures. besides, a phone cannot capture the great essence of things in life in great details. but a nice camera will. though it is really bulky and all, but i would love to own one DSLR in my entire life. It doesn't have to be fanciful, but of course, it have to be nice. I like those classic black DSLRs and also the white ones with flip out screens from Olympus. I don't have specific brands or models because im not a fan of cameras. im just a fan of taking pictures. and i like the feel of being a photographer. which is why last time whenever we go out with the MND dancers and Wanling brings a DSLR or if Catherine brings one, ill just silently move to them... and grab a chance to get hold of those DSLR. hahaha. dont't you find a sense of achievement when you capture something breathtaking effortless beautiful? i do, and i do have a digital camera but i don't use. maybe i should those for a start and when i finally get a hand of it, ill move on to a DSLR. because i dont want to throw my money down the drain for something that i would lose interest in.

 Okay, i wanted to say i want to be a bridemaid but then i realise i will because this year October it is my sissy's wedding and im told tt ill be the CHINESE emcee as well. time to brush up my chinese. haven't been reading chinese since i stepped into poly. seriously. but then i shouldn't be making a bucket list for something i can attain so easily now. so my bucket list is to be one at my best friends' wedding.well, being a socially awkward person, this will have to require me to keep my friends close to me to even have a shot at this but im sure my friends won't abandon me hor (hint hint at Xinfang, Charmaine, Sinclair and Catherine) hehe. it would be so awesome to see your friends get married (exclude the part where you are single and everyone just asks you when are you getting married). like how my friends are eager to find me a boyf and like literally marry me off. im eager to marry THEM off and to make things simpler, they are pretty, smart, amazing and Xinfang already has a stable long term boyf! so i guess it won't be a big problem for this bucket list to be checked off. YAYYYYY!

  

last one off the list!!! well, other than having a chance to be a bridesmaid,i wanna be a bride as well. hahahah. and i want my wedding to be perfect. it doesn't have to be fanciful, but it has to be perfect. with people i love and need in my life, with people who have been through ups and downs with me, with the person i love waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Even a simple wedding dress and dinner will suffice. but i just want a quiet and simple wedding. nothing extravagant (not like i have money to spare. yknow wedding so expensive yo). everything would be in white and tiffany blue. i may even ditch heels for some converse sneakers. who knows? but the most important thing is the people present and giving me their blessings of course. and a wedding where there is no sudden errors. oh and having emcee that are extremely hilarious, namely my sissy and Ian, because they are pros in english and prolly make the situation funnier if i ever fall flat on all fours or something or dig out something that is dark and never to be known... well until they spill it thats it. but still, i look forward to my little perfect wedding. (:

AND FOR THE BONUS ELEVENTH ONE THAT I KNOW I WILL NEVER EVER HAVE IT DONE BUT I WISH ANYWAY:

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ever since my sister got married, i literally feel like i lost a sister. or rather, i felt like i lost myself. because i have to stand for myself, because she was someone else's. my sister was all along who i wanted to be, who i looked up to and basically copied. but then, with her married, i don't have anyone anymore. the times she spent at home, especially when she came home from work, is so little. and i find myself getting more and more afraid to talk to her or to talk even when she's around because it feels like if i were to say/do something dumb and she gets upset, she will just hate me and this home even more than she will ever be, and she might just leave and ill never see her again. now that shes married,she has another home to go to, and that makes the possibility higher. and then times when shes home, shes tired and she dont talk. only occasionally when shes in high spirit, she might talk to me a little. and whenever i see her talk or smile is when Ian is over. and that kinda suck, knowing that you are no longer needed. and i still remember back when i accidentally chanced upon my sissy's diary to Ian while he was in army (confession:sorry), and she said something like "holding my sissy's hand but it was nothing like holding yours". it was really years ago, but the words stayed in my head. like... that was it. i lost my sister to someone who i can't even match up as a replacement in his absence. so where does that leaves me? idk. maybe you guys see it just a matching tattoo, but i just wanted a symbol of reminding. that i still have someone who got my back mentally, and a symbol that reminded me that she is still my sister. she never left and she never will. it kinda scares me knowing that sometime this year she won't even be coming back to this home. and i just wanna have something that could fill up that emptiness and loneliness that i will feel when i need someone. Maybe you can say that all I need is a boyfriend. but its different. having someone to have known you the moment you are born and living under the same roof for close to 2 decades, its just difference.

a symbol that symbolised the permanent sistership that i sometimes feel like i lost it to a stranger who came into her life, and now part of my family. i just needed something to show me i haven't lost her at all. just something visible.

but thats not gonna happen because 1)my parents do not like tattoo 2) im damn afraid of pain. 3) tattoos are so expensive. ohgawd.

alright end of my post! gotta do some work now! bye~