Losing it

Hello guys, im just here, waiting for my asos package to arrive. and then i can go and have my boxing class. so hyped up for boxing class!!! and of course my asos package. hahahahah.  pairs of shoes! omg i swear this is my last purchase until the end of this year. because im in the midst of losing weight, so if i ever get clothes now, i wont be able to fit in at the end of the year. which is both a good thing and a bad thing. ill prolly take my shorts and all to alter if i really cannot fit into them... OR just throw them out and buy new ones. hehe. well anyway, heres a short blog post on what is really on my mind recently.

many of you on twitter would have seen me rage. like really bad over IL stuffs. and then i realised that i was actually in the wrong. or rather, partial wrong. I cannot deem myself completely wrong because i do think that my intentions was right. But then, although IL is a burden, and thankfully it is ending next week (read FRIDAY), i have to say that i have reaped lessons off it and learnt more about myself. ironically, IL is supposed to boost my creativity and thinking-out-of-the-box skills, but rather, it gave me a huge wake up call.and i actually have to thank Felicia. Because of all the tension, she stood up and spoke her piece which enlightened me what went wrong.and i was in the fault, for not correcting this tension. I won't say that i am a leader, and im not a leader in the group either. But Felicia's words actually gave me a slap pass my face and i realised how much it means to be a leader and how important it is that i handle my emotions and my words right.

You see, for the past semesters, i have kept myself relatively free from trying to competitive and worrying so much about my grades. but this semester, ironically the easier semester, i actually got competitive myself too.It isn't the "I want to be the best" competitiveness. it is just the "I don't want to be the best, but i want to be one of the better ones". Since poly is majorly group work, this silent mindset that crept up to me actually caused problems. When i hold that competitiveness mindset that i do not tolerate any single imperfections, i tend to step on people's toes. Because i do not know how to handle my emotions properly. It is true, that i do not have a high EQ (or rather, higher than the lowest but still on the low side, enlightened by my bff's bro). I show my emotions, and i handle things with my emotions in the lead. Yknow how many bad decisions, or how many bad situations have been made with this? I unknowingly caused tensions, because i unknowingly made misunderstandings. I show all my expressions on my face and i tend to not know how to stop my emotions towards one person and to not divert it to the next. and i do not know how to calm myself down and look at things from a better perspective.

They say "keep calm and think of something else", indeed, you do have to keep calm. Letting your emotions get into the way of your handling of issues is just aggravating the situation. I tend to get all panicky and frustrated nearing the submissions and all. But that is plain insensitive of me. Because not all people work like this. and im sure no one likes working with someone with an anxiety disorder. but the thing is, with my bad handling of emotions, it resulted in so much disputes, which could have been avoided if i simply kept my emotions in check and not let it erupt so many times. And also, i shouldn't have been so selfish.When my anxiety emotions come up during submissions, i tend to finish up the work by myself, because then i feel that "yes, im contributing to the group", but then it is partially also because i tried it a couple of times when no one replied me when i needed help. But i was wrong to let that deter me. As much as i could be annoying to ask people to do work, i should have done it. Because in that way, they helped. And they know what's going on. and not being seen as "not contributing/not there at all" because they never intended that way. and i was selfish to put all the responsibilities on my shoulder because at the end of the day, if they fail, its my fault. and i will prolly get emotional again, and point fingers when it is also partially my fault.

and yes, another reason is pointing fingers. It is really hard to point the fault at yourself. who wants to admit that he/she is incompetent? but everyone has faults. and god damn it, my perfectionist personality needs to maintain because it is so damn extreme. I either point finger at myself all the time because i always feel that i could have finished that perfect touch or point fingers at others because the final product was not as perfect as i thought it was. I need to look at the bigger picture. why wasn't it perfect? because i didn't attempt to get help from others, which could have helped, or i didn't contributed enough to make it perfect. even a simple suggestion could have made things better. Multiple brains are always better than one. and they always say that different people hold different opinions, but that is also what makes a group project better. it is hard to look at things from different perspective when you are just alone. you need another person's eye. Even if you disagree, you can take a moment to digest that perspective and attempt to understand.


and all this was what went wrong. or rather, what is wrong with me right now. ill change kay guys. i will. and this is thoughts on the eleventh day of 2014. pretty bad if i start the year scolding myself but then again.... okay i am done blabbering. hahaha. till next time guys.