Who am I?

Since young, i have always subconsciously categorized people. because that's the society I was brought up in. There are labels everywhere, even to people who you have only met for a mere 5 min. That lady over the counter, whether or not her attitude or clothing was to your liking, you place a label over her. That new kid in the class? just 10 min and you would easily categorize them. Common categorization normally falls within two extreme ends.

Its either you are rich, or you are poor.

Its either you are pretty, or you are ugly.

Its either you are nice, or you are mean.

and the one that i hate the most,

Its either you are smart, or you are stupid.

People are often a combination of the extreme ends on different categories. These generic categorization, was what i used on people around me when i was younger. As i grew older, experiencing more (tho not much), my categorizations gradually changed. And i realise that life isn't always about two extreme ends, there are always the in-between.

The average household.

The average looking person

The person who does good but is mean sometimes

The one who sometimes confuses you whether he's really smart or not because sometimes he just sprouts rubbish.

Also, the definition of each category became blur.

What defines a person being rich or poor? Is it money, health or happiness? 

What defines a person being pretty or ugly? Matter of physical appearance or matter of the heart?

What defines a person being good or mean? Actions or Words?

What defines a person being smart or stupid? Academic results or ability to handle work? 

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For me, i have my own type of classifications.

Being a student, the most common classification i have heard and fall victim to, is whether a child is smart or not. And they are always based on academic results. People around me will know that i never classify people based on their results. Why? because, my mom taught me that no one is stupid and no one has the right to call you stupid. because, i don't believe in academics defining anything related to my intelligence. for an education system this rigid, it differentiates much more based on the ability to handle exams.

If i were to classify people i meet in school, i classify them into "Gifted" and "Blessed".

-Gifted- (Commonly known as the "Smart ones")
These are the people with good results. They are gifted with a very high IQ and perform very well in school. An all-rounder, a "life hack". Very often, they are the ones that the adults pin their hopes on. They have a flair to present themselves well, being the "smart" ones in school. They are the people who I look at them and wonder when will my brain ever be like theirs (or secretly plotting a scheme to steal and replace my brain with theirs). They receive recognition and tons of opportunities. Besides being gifted with a good brain (or rather, the ability to use them appropriately), these people are also gifted with the ability to handle the immense stress and expectations that tag along. What's even more annoying, is that they are sometimes (most of the time), good looking, kind, popular and basically flawless. I have been wishing/praying to guanyingma to let me become them one day. But being gifted often has its side effect: the perfectionist syndrome, i call it. The desire to do well in all aspects, the desire to be recognized over and over again. But then again, they have everything in life. Being a perfectionist prolly wouldn't harm them much.

-Blessed-(Commonly known as the "Stupid ones")
These are the people who have "bad" results. Or rather, not up to the people's expectations. But i dont think that they are stupid. They are just people who can't handle exams and tests as well as people does. But i envy these people. Because they can see through the fact that life isn't all about academic results. Naturally, being in school is about enjoying their teenage life and not trying to cram words into their brain.While they may not excel academically, they are usually blessed with a good personality, good looks and maybe even a good simple life. People who i have met that doesn't have good results, usually have very high EQ too. Also, they are the sometimes the ones who does very well when it comes to handling to real life situation. What i feel that the lack of As on their report card that makes them really blessed is that they are happier. They focus more on doing things that make their souls happy.You call them stupid? I call them blessed.

Of course. these are just my opinion about people around me. And many would find themselves in between. In my world, i am the only one who does not belong either of the two groups, nor in between. I belong to a third group.

I am "Lucky".

-Lucky-
Who i think i am. The one who presents to people like she is gifted with a high IQ. Often referred to as the 'smart' one in class. The one who people see having the opportunities that a "Gifted" would have. Scholarships, OMF, praises and compliments. But the truth is, Im not a "Gifted". Im "Lucky". The As on my report cards, are a result of endless nights of tears and breakdowns. because unlike the "Gifted", i do not have the ability to handle with the stress. I am not one with a very high IQ either. Ask my friends, they can tell you a ton of stupid things that i do. In fact, i feel much less intelligent than all of my friends, even tho our results might indicate otherwise. Which is why i sometimes hated to be involved in prize ceremonies and trips that gathered people who are supposedly the best. not that i am ungrateful for the opportunity. On the contrary, i am. i truly am. I am thankful that someone saw something in me and is willing to invest in me ("Lucky"). But these places always made me realise how incompetent i truly am, compared to them. The way that they speak and think. I'll never reach that level. Unfortunately for me, through the years of lucky good grades, I have been stuck with the perfectionist syndrome, which i have previously spoken of. I am not a all rounder. I want to be, but struggle to even be half of what it is. and this kills me every time. 

And yet, while im not a "Gifted", im not "Blessed" either. I don't have a high EQ and i am a huge meanie. Furthermore, I don't do things that make my soul happy. Being able to attain what seems unachievable results made me push myself towards even more unrealistic goals. I am never doing things that make myself happy. Every morning i wake up with a frown on my face. Every night i go to bed with furrowed brows and asking myself "why did i waste today again".

Sometimes i feel that Life is so kind to me because it has failed to place me in either of the categories. Grades that i want and work hard for, are reflected on my report cards. Getting the opportunities that others would kill to have. I have never see that i am smart, and i would repeat it regardless how many times people tell me that it will lead to me being bashed up one day: "I am not smart, i am lucky". Luck has brought me so far and so many things. Allowing people to see something in me, allowing people to only see the good in me. I have so many things in my life because i am "Lucky". Not having the things that a "Gifted" or a "Blessed" have doesnt equate to an unfortunate event. I have luck and many other things that i am grateful for. Regardless of how seconds in my life that i feel miserable about myself, i will be thankful for what kind treatment i have been receiving.



 p/s: its just my random thoughts. even though i have done nothing on this PH, im happy that i did nothing but just let my thoughts run wild. Some see it as negativity, i used to think it this way too. but only after writing them out and thinking through will make me see the flaws in my thoughts and grow further as a person. Don't scold me for being selfish and writing things like this (again) :(

  

"If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"
-Lucky;Britney Spears