Well let's see what have happened to me this entire year. I do feel that i have grown into a different person. I can't really pinpoint what changed. But something did. I can feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel it.
Let's start with academics.
Starting this year april, im in year 2. Honestly speaking, being a Year 2 student doesn't really hit me that hard a fact because i can still go around telling people im a Year 1. and to think that my Year 2 life is gonna end in say 2 months time. Holy shit. time is too fast seriously. And the first semester that i took up was... the toughest semester, according to many sources, of my entire 3 years. Well, indeed. Immuno, DBG, CCTA and MMB. all content based AND examinable. Though i would say that it was really an achievement when i finally finished my modules and all. But i would also say that the teachers were almost too kind during my semester. I was lucky, because compared to the rest, my papers were manageable to a certain extent. It was not a killer paper, like the rest. (And thats why i say that im lucky, not smart. AND YET YOU PEOPLE BASH ME FOR TT...) i sincerely and genuinely credit all my achievement thus far to luck. But also, i would like to credit a little for my hardwork last semester. I have no idea how i survived an entire semester recording every single immuno and DBG class and going back to write down every single word and then try to digest all of the concepts. I have never seen myself taking my work so seriously in my entire student life. And this is one of the areas that i have seen myself grow. Like.. i grew to be a student who takes more responsibility in trying to achieve excellence in her work. Maybe it is peer pressure, maybe it is the desire to try to outdo myself in getting into another D listing, maybe it was the status of being one of the scholars in NP. Nevertheless, im still happy that i have grown just in time to take education seriously. Especially after the YEP that i embarked alone, and made valuable friends along the way, i really do take my education as a blessing and i try my best to make the best out of it. I know education do not come cheap, and they do not come for granted. And i will continue to strive harder, as much as i know that with greater hope may begets greater disappointment, but i have no time for these thoughts. all i know right now, is that i want to finish my education, i want to make myself, my school, my friends, and especially my family, proud of me. Oops, did i just listed my resolution. hehehehe. Also, i also grew to just let go of competitiveness. Like i mentioned once during my previous post "Masterchef", i do not refuse help to my friends when they come to me for help. Well, i have all along been like this, but it seems like i am just so tired of being the one giving out help and rendering myself stranded helpless when it comes to myself. But then again, i accepted the fact and that i should always help whenever i can, while still protecting my interest. I told myself that the reason people come to me for help is not to take advantage of me, but because they do sincerely think that i can help them. and isn't that good? and it is healthier for me to keep that mindset rather than thinking that they are just trying to "snatch" my intelligence. Petty, yes. But you can't blame me for having wild thoughts when im facing rough times and have no one to turn to right? Well, i kinda learnt how to let go of competitiveness already, so that ill be happier too. why compare and compete? And by protecting my interest, i mean still leaving enough time for me to finish my work to the perfection that i want it to be. Going through 2013 just makes me learnt that i should do things, i should study and put in effort for the sake of myself, and not for the sake of just studying. It doesn't make sense. And that's the reason why my first 10 years of education never made any sense to me, because i was just studying for the sake of getting certificates. i was lacking of motivations to carry on and i was really on the verge of giving up already. But Education is far more too precious for me to treat it the way i did. So right now, im studying for myself, for my family, and for my pride. And at the end of the day, if i fail, i would be able to say that I tried. And if i ever succeeded, i want to proudly say that it is because i tried.
Then let's move on to life.
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my life is boring. The End.
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Okay just kidding. hehehe. Well, this year was pretty much an emotional wreck inside of me. Yes, i have said it before that i am like a piece of white bread. With such low EQ, i display all my anger and upset on my face. But still, this entire year was really emotional for me. I've been in and out of a relationship, i've been through multiple breakdowns in terms of schoolwork and of course, life isn't all about the bad. There is the good too. Like meeting new people, and changing myself into an extrovert. Honestly speaking, i cannot remember what i have been doing this past 1 year. And all of these 3 i just listed is just events that i can remember more vividly. This entire year is such a blur to me.
Being in an out of a relationship made me saw things from another perspective and sort of made me learn the hard way that i am in no way ready for a relationship right now. I would not have said that the relationship ended bad in a way that it would have scarred me for life or anything, it was just scary enough to see how vulnerable I am towards unhappiness in relationships and how careless i am to render someone else vulnerable. No, im not implying anything towards my ex-boyfriend and this has nothing to do with him. All of these contexts are in reference to me only. I've had enough of ranting, and i've moved on. So have he. So why ponder over what was already gone right? But what made me wiser was the realisation that i may not have been smart enough to handle the whole situation with a certain acceptable level of maturity. It was really a huge wake up call for me. Because all along, before i got in a relationship, i thought i was good enough. I thought i would be a good enough girlfriend, or at least a good enough person. But it just didn't turn out that way. All the things that i have said before i got into a relationship, all the principles and rules, it just didn't work out. Because i learnt that we are humans. We are subjected to changes and emotions. Rules and principles apply only to robots. They do as per instructed. But we all have feelings. We feel anger, happiness, hurt, and sadness. After the relationship fell through, it was really tough accepting the fact that i am actually not that much of a good person like i always thought i was. Then i slowly started to accept my flaws and make them better. They say that in the world, you will meet someone who will make up for your flaws, love you for your flaws and stand by you, because of your flaws. But right now, i am in no intentions to even step into another relationship because i am thus far not ready to plunge myself into a whole new whirlpool of emotions and to drag another person into hell because i am just not the right girl who is able to stand by anyone right now. They say love comes when its time. well, i say that love should come when im ready, or at least, i hope it stays with me till im officially ready. But come what may, ill accept it as it is. But not like there is any guys out there who is interested in a 3/4 man like me. hahaha. I should prolly learn to be more ladylike first. JOLENE, THERESA, XINFANG, SINCLAIR AND MANY MORE. COME I NEED CRASH COURSE ON HOW TO BE A LADY/GOOD GIRLF.
In terms of schoolwork. well this is not the same as academics. because this one, i felt how vulnerable i was towards school work and peer pressure. and i didn't only learnt lessons from myself, also from others. Observing the whole system of education, i do think that we are all being judged using the same criteria when some of us are obviously not inclined in the same way as one another to excel like others. and this is a little unfair. Some of us are exam smart, while others excel in practicals. but in a system of exams and test, people who are less inclined in exams tend to do more badly and are labelled as "not smart". but i slowly went to look at these people, and i thought beyond exams. I saw their hardwork and their flair for other form of work beyond exams. In fact, i even feel inferior even though i hold a higher GPA than them. Why? because i know that GPA is only gonna bring me far enough to a university or towards another certificate. But these people are the ones who are gonna make it big in the industry, who are gonna be the next Noble prize winners because they have a flair in practicals, in their mindsets and in their creativity. Who knows that maybe the cure for an incurable disease right now, is in the brain of someone who holds a GPA of only 2.0? who knows if the next famous forensic scientist investigator is someone who you thought you were highly superior back in your student days? Who knows, if someone who you felt was no way near your standard would become your superior one day? Nobody knows. And it is this kind of pressure that i feel every single day on top of not excelling in school. I know where i stand. Im more inclined in exams. thats why i hold an acceptable GPA. But what if next time when i go to work? What if i step out into the society and industry where GPA means nothing but a number on my certificate. And this is when i start to realise that i need to stop treating education as education. But rather, a stepping stone towards making myself equipped with skills for work. Funny how i always use that only in my resume to make it look nicer, but through this year, its only then i learnt how important this stepping stone is.
Also, i also learnt that what effort you put in may not be what you receive. I have seen many people and sometimes even myself, when i put in a hell lot of effort and yet i do not receive the achievement that i thought that i should have. And yknow what? this year made me learnt that all these doesn't matter and i came to accept my destiny and my fate. my mom always tell me that its a matter of heng suay when it comes to studying. cos if you heng, the teacher understand what you writing, then you correct la. you suay, the teacher dont understand then wrong lo. tio bo? tio. But then in life, what you reap may not be what you sow at that point of time. Notice how i say at the point of time. Because seeing people who put in so much efforts and yet not reaping what they should, sometimes motivates them to become even more determined to produce results the next time. and who knows? maybe this event or this source of determination can lead you to greater heights in the future?
I also do think that i have grew in terms of the way i look at things. Like my perspective. I stopped being so persistent on nitty gritty things. Not about my OCD syndrome. but like, im more than happy to say "forget it" than i would in the past. for example, after going to YEP at Thailand, meeting these new people, and interacting with the Thais who share a different culture and mindset from us. That 2 weeks of YEP really broadened my horizon and it made me a slightly different person. I see myself trying to smile more, laugh more, talk more. I see myself trying to care less, worry less, stress less. Well, academic stress is inevitable but i mean stress about other things. The most change that i have ever made, was the fact that i now see people before me. I started to be less selfish than i was in the past. I was really a freaking fishmonger in the past i swear. But then, the way i saw how the papas treat us, putting us before them, it really just warms my heart. and the way that they do things, so sabai, so calm and still getting things done made me see things more clearly now. Like i no longer try to finish things up hastily. But rather, i do things slowly, trying to look at the big picture and come up with the best solution to every single problem. Another change was i realised how talkative i can be. But then again, it still makes me really tired after talking for an entire day and being in groups. Sometimes when i get home, i just fall back into my comfort zone and recuperate. but i do see improvement in myself being more friendly and outgoing, being more chatty and all. I won't mind digging out all of my stories to share, i don't really have secrets. okay not that i dont have, but i cant remember them. hehehe. well anyway, about being tired acting as an extrovert, im just glad that im talking more to people, because in secondary school im just the one nodding and smiling, not the one talking. but then now i am talking more, trying to make more friends and everything. and i realise i have a flair for jokes. okay not joke jokes, but like i make things sound funny. does anyone thinks the same way as i do?
2013, it seems such an eventful year that passed so quickly. I see myself grew, fall and stand up again. i would have to say that this year was really a tough year to get by. and my 2013 resolutions have not been reached. seriously. hahahahaha. okay time for a new set of resolutions!!!
2014 RESOLUTIONS
- Become a VS angel. No just kidding. But i would love to work out and be just half as pretty as them. pretty pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. okay this shall be my goal in terms of fitness and appearance.
- Save up for grad trip with Awesome 4. like, i seriously have to save up.
- Be consistent in studies in Year 3 and to do well in my final examinable core-modules focussed semester of Year 2.
- Be happier.
- Be healthy.
- Bring happiness to people around me.
- Be less selfish
- Meet more people, make more friends
- Be less grumpy. okay im so sorry but i cant think of anything. haha.
- last but not least, accept my flaws as they are and be confident of who i really am.
im not even sure if half of what i wrote made any sense. but oh well. im done with yet another lengthy post. muahahahahha. bye.
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