I was really devastated today after INAC paper. I screwed up big time. And let me clarify what i mean by "screwing it up big time" because you guys start rolling your eyes at me. When i say "screw up" i mean, failing. also, it means not getting a distinction. Yes, that pointed thingy. I know this is contradicting to what i said in my previous post about learning and not studying. But thoughts are one thing, actually having to execute them in actual is another. and in this fast paced education system, i would say im not allowed the time to learn (but i am trying. i really am). If you guys saw me today, you would prolly think someone died or whatsoever. my face was that gloomy. I teared a few times on the bus before suppressing them entirely when i realise there were people staring at me, looking really worried. (thank you for not shooting me judgmental looks. it does help). and let me tell you why i am so devastated even though people around me, even my parents, tell me that it doesn't matter if i do badly (this came from my mom), or that i wont be doing badly because... im chewlin. Because i should trust my intelligence. But let me tell you this, when i mean by "screwing up" i mean:
1) Getting out of director's list
2) Getting lower than an A for a core module and B+ for minor modules
Don't go all bashing me. You need to accept the fact that that pointy letter holds a huge significant on your cert. Yes, you say it is just a cert, it is just a letter, nobody is going to bother if i scored an A for my cell biology in the future. But then, there is just this voice inside of my pea-brain. Telling me:
If you aint getting an A, you aint doing good enough.
It sucks having that mentality, and it sucks having to stick with it because i grew up with it. And the worst part was, i never had any setbacks that stopped me from that mentality. Things just go smoothly for me. Yes, i get Bs for my Os, but where am i now? Im in BMS at NP, my desired course and school. Things have gone way too smoothly for me that i can't kick this perfectionist attitude. Some people say its a personality, to me, its more like a twin. A nemesis. Its not me, but it is controllingwhat i am doing. And she talks to me. That voice in my head. She tells me my good isnt good enough until i attain her goals. she tells me that things must be the way it should be, things must be the best. But she never told me that i am actually allowed to fail occasionally to grow. All she told me was "risk all and just be the perfect one" but she forgot one thing: I am only human.
Tell the overachiever and perfectionist inside of me, that i am only human. I cannot survive with such high expectations placed on me all the time. But the cycle never stops. every exam, every test. and that is the reason why i am utterly devastated this time. Because i know i screwed up really badly and that stress is the major reason why. Not stress about studying, but stress that i can't do well. Stress that that pointy letter will not appear in my transcript (which now i know wont. im trying to come to terms with it).
And you guys always tell me "no la, you confirm can one. You are very smart" and things along that line. I hate that sentence. I hate it. It is a comfort from you guys, but i just feel that it is supporting the perfectionist side of me to become more "arrogant" like she will be like "see i told you. everyone thinks you can. So you can. and you MUST" and this is what is making me go all whiny after exams. I am HONESTLY not trying to fish for compliments nor trying to be a yayapapaya and be like "i confirm fail one" and i will get an A in the end. NO. IM TELLING YOU
NO
When i say it, i mean it. and i am genuinely afraid that i will. and sometimes i dont say confirm fail. o say confirm flunk. and perhaps your definition of flunk is different from mine, you cannot stop me from being upset. because you dont know what i am stressing over. you dont know how hard it is for me. So for people who says "chewlin is being at it again. She confirm ace one even tho she say like that" i give you my middle phalanges. Because i am not gonna ace it and i know it deep down i would. Did you do that paper for me? did you check my answer? did you see how i did it? NO NO NO. so dont come and tell me that i will ace for that paper.
Sometimes, i think, maybe if i had gotten a lower GPA since year 1, maybe if i didn't get scholarship in year 2, maybe ill be happier. Maybe ill stop asking so much from myself.
I dont know where this post is going. so i shall stop here. my mind isnt working. Slept for less than 4 hours a day for an entire week and i didnt sleep a wink last night while studying for an exam that i am gonna flunk it. I will be back for other blog posts. maybe happier ones. maybe not. maybe ill update tmr. maybe i wont. i dont know. this world is new to me. The world of setbacks. i won't say that i am enjoying my stay here, but i know things happen for a reason. and this will have its reason too.
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