"one day karma is gonna strike me so bad i will flip like a turtle."
okay, you dont have to agree with me about the turtle part. i made that up. but think of it, when it you flip around, like how a turtle does, you are pretty screwed isnt it? I mean:
like your legs are too short and you can't flip yourself back. But then again, be as positive as this turtle kay. "OMG IM FLYING" hahaha i canawt.
well, enough of joke (and my very futile attempt to make my post less wordy), the thing is, i always believed in Karma. I always believe that when you do something wrong, it isn't that karma doesn't fall on you immediately, but rather, its because the time isn't ripe yet. Just like how the Chinese saying goes:
"不是不报，是时辰未到"
Every religion has their own definition on who's their God and if there's is ever hell and heaven. Well, I am a buddhist and i do believe there is hell. Haw Par Villa Hell exhibit scare the shit out of me (it still does) and sometimes i scold myself for being rude to my parents. But then, the next time when my temper come up, i be rude again and i'll be upset again. Well, i guess ill be going to that level of hell then, for being rude to my parents. Let me make up for that first, and maybe Guanyingma will see that i have repented. but anyway, that one is something that i need to keep in mind about now. For today, i wanna talk about Karma&Life regarding a really recent event. and yes, it is about that exam that pathetic me didn't do well in.
Well, to start off, i didn't do well for my finals even though i tried my utmost best. I studied till late night, i didn't even sleep on the night for INAC. but i still didn't give it my best. Like i said in previous posts, i felt like i gave up on myself when i was doing the paper. Like my Physics for Olvls. and this is the reason why i say i would flunk. Because the feeling is E X A C T L Y the same. its so familiar that it scares me.
So then i was thinking, what went wrong? and then it struck me that whenever i did something bad, karma always struck on me really fast. There was once when i cheated on a geography test because i didn't had time to study for it and my teacher was really kind (and stupid me decided to take adv of that. Im so sorry Mr LSY :( i know my mistake now.) but then, it didn't change the fact that i cheated. For the first time in my life, i cheated for a test. and i swear it is the last time as well. Because karma struck fast: I failed that test.
Yes, you guys can laugh.
"Cheat still fail. Chewlin you first one sia."
well, it turns out that i was so confident that cheating was gonna get me through that test with flying colours that i confidently copied the wrong information in -major facepalm- but this isn't the point. When i got back my paper, i cried. i broke down. because i thought like you guys. I cheated, and i failed? what kind of logic is this?! i cried so badly that MarcusG, Hongwen and Leepeng went to check my paper word by word to catch loopholes and ask my teacher to give me a few more marks just so that i pass ( you guys might not rmb but i do. and im grateful to you guys. really). But then, now that i think of it, i felt that it is karma. It is karma that i took adv of my really kind teacher who genuinely wanted to teach us and help us excel. But what did i do? i took adv of that and cheated. Karma struck fast and hard.
and this wasn't the first thing that i thought karma struck. And i used to have this "curse". Whenever i buy something new, something bad will happen. which is why i used to not want to shop. because whenever i do, something bad happens. like some bad news or i fall or something bad la. call me silly and that i think too much, im guessing it is because i am spending too much of my parents' hard-earned money on unnecessary things. That's why karma struck. Because you guys see that i shop alot nowadays right? Like i will go crazy whenever there is sales on Lacepipe/AforAcarde/Soeurs (three of my FAV blogshops). and nothing really happens to me. but then, ever since i started to pay for my own clothes with my pay and savings (yes savings is my allowance from parents. but still, i saved up bits by bits of them and i have never regarded them as not my parents money. its just that i have stopped going "mommy i want this" and "daddy i want that" for a really long time. I only do that occasionally. no i should say rarely. most of the time i do that for food tho). And you wanna know why i can buy so many clothes while i only have an allowance of S$50 per week?
because i save up to 40 bucks per week.
i will share in another blog how i do it. today isn't the theme for it. Yes i do eat. hahaha.
But then, i felt that these were karma. and while for some people, karma doesn't strike fast, i felt that it strikes fast for me. Which is good, cos then i know that i am wrong and i need to make up for it. So what has this gotta do with my exams? well, it doesn't only have to do with exams, it have got to do with my partner in crime too.
Well, when i was having my exams, i tend to be really cranky and frustrated. but my PIC ,being her, will ask me questions, one after another. at first i was fine, then i got upset because of some internal issues. (not gonna elaborate. ain't gonna make her look bad because she isn't. and im not here to make myself look angelic anyway. besides, we already settled this conflict so everything is a-okay now.) so then, there was just a minute or two, or maybe half an hour or one hour that i just didn't wanna help her. Evil of me right? So anyway, this was one of the questions i asked myself.
"Is this Karma? Am i being punished for being selfish?"
it didn't have to necessarily be her tho. for everyone that i might have (unknowningly) been selfish to. is this my karma for being such a fishmonger? was this why karma struck me on something that i hold so close to my heart(grades)? and i felt so bad that i scrunched up into a ball asking myself why am i such a selfish person for like 10min. and also, every now and then. Everyone have something that they wanna be selfish for, but i guess my good friend, Karma, didn't want me to be that selfish. and decided to punish me for that. by making me lose what i have been painstakingly (and maybe gotten with selfishness, idk if i did. i can't see myself everyday. people around me can see it. dont have to tell me tho. you know, i dont know. thats fine.) built up for 3 semesters. Because she have seen enough of me and felt that i wasn't worthy anymore. Because i am selfish and i need a taste of my own medicine.
Okay, now some of you might think that i am a little psychopath and all. Like recently all my blogposts are really nonsensical and creepy (even jolene say im scary when i talk to her. poor girl having to be traumatized with all these thoughts in my head) but then i can only tell you this is really whats going through in my head. I didn't make anything up and im not afraid to admit these wild thoughts go through my head. and maybe the cause of why im already so eccentric all the time. whoops.
BUT. then another less harsh thought came to me when i calmed down and tried to come up with another theory that would make me feel better. (I believe in fate, life, and all these kind of things. so bare with me a little but if you feel that this is too much, you may proceed to my gallery section^ or to other posts < )
I started to feel that.
hey, what if this was life's way of telling me, i need to treat myself in a more humane manner?
for many of my friends and my family, they know what inhumane expectations i set for myself (and that is just like 1/5 of what they know. i didn't tell them the other 4/5 lest they send me to IMH). but then these expectations may have been my driving force but they also drive me crazy. like literally crazy.
So, what if this time, the reason why i didn't do well was because i have been so hard on myself and i refuse to all the kind warnings that have been sent my way that i need to stop this inhumane expectation thing, life resorted to a harsh manner to tell me that i need to stop and that:
"I am only Human"
no, you cannot fault me by saying that i am looking for stupid excuses to fault life just because i didn't work hard enough for my exams. Because i did, and everyone have eyes to see for themselves as well. I am not a closet mugger (bloody hell some people closet mugger until narnia there already la. shit you. tell me you never study one more time and score all As. i will kick you into narnia for real) sometimes it slips my mouth and i say i didn't study. but what i actually meant was: i am unprepared not that i never study. and whether in my head or not idk. and here, i admit i mug. i mug to the extent that im afraid of myself. i have never knew i was capable of mugging until poly. i have never tried studying from 8am-3am and then repeat for everyday. neither have i tried staying up all night just to study for a paper. that day that i panicked for INAC. i lost 2 kg in a day. Not sure if its because end of exams and my stress load went away or because exam too stress that i lost 2 kg. but then, inhumane? i think so. to me it is mentally and physically torturing.
So then, i thought. what if life was trying to tell me:
Hey girl, you gotta stop this right now. You are not happy at all, and this aint how you live your life. I know that studying is tough and all. But hey, you are only nineteen. You aren't that old enough to be so grumpy and upset. you have a whole life ahead of you. Your life have been pretty smooth so far but that doesn't mean failure doesn't happen. Life isn't a bed of roses. Because even roses have thorns. You get hurt, but you will pick yourself back up. Just because you have been sailing smoothly so far, doesn't mean that you always will and it doesn't mean that you have to put your life on the line to continue sailing so smoothly. You need to learn to let go sometimes and let yourself fall. Because the best way you learn, is by falling. But since you have been unable to listen to all your friends, i have no choice but to drop you a harsher note. I hope that this is wake up call. Not that you need to pull up your socks, but you need to let your hair down sometimes too. Because when you tensed up so tightly all the time, you just snap. Like a rubber band. So girl, have a break. im giving you an excuse to go slower. Stop being so harsh on yourself. You said you wanna learn. so Learn. But first, learn to let go and relax.
i told my mom what i thought, and she was happier that i thought it this way more than the karma theory. She told me that life will always have its ups and downs, and its all up to us to handle them. Are we gonna let them crush us? Or are we gonna rise up above it and tell life that you aint stopping me. Well, maybe i gotta heed my mom's advice and life's advice. Maybe what i need to do now, is to relax, rise back again and excel in my year 3 (with as little unnecessary stress as i can). Maybe i have tensed myself up so tightly that i snapped and failed. Maybe when i let go, maybe i can see things clearer, and maybe things will be better. People believe that i have got what it takes, they have the faith in me. But am i gonna let them down again for stressing myself so much until i snap again? Am i gonna let Life's good intention down again and again?
Probably not. Im facing it bravely and its me against the world. as much as stress is gonna get thrown onto me (its hard not to stress. im still me), but i will still try to not snap. I will ensure i get enough sleep and rest and find ways to de-stress (aka boxing/singing/dancing). i will not let this happen again. never. i will stand up and rise to the top again. i promise.
Thanks for reading.
love,
x GeeCeeElle x
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