Everything Happens For A Reason

Everything Happens For A Reason.

The first two weeks of school had been anything but peaceful. Every waking moment that I have, was designated for stressing myself out. Every Tuesdays are now #designatedbreakdownday. Every minute that I spend on day-dreaming, checking my phone, replying my friends on WA or as a matter of fact, anything that doesn't relate to academics would automatically be registered as a minute wasted. People said that university was different, people said that university was fun. But I guess, a big part of me overestimated myself. Two weeks and I feel like I have aged 20 years (I'm going to be ancient at the end of the four years.. if i even make it there alive and sane). I cried in my room, desperately hoping that my stress and anxiety would leave my system along with the tears that rolled down my cheeks. It took two full weeks of breaking down and convincing myself to stand back up to be able to that urge to cry whenever academics were mentioned. Every single word that related to it, regardless if it was from me or the people around me, was a trigger for a complete break down (and its not even funny. It's one thing to tear up, but its exhausting to really break down and cry your guts out). I manually filtered words related to it to stop my insecurities from creeping in.

 I force myself to smile everyday - starting with the mirror when I wake up. It is something I have been doing since I began conscious of self-image (to which some would ask "what image"). It used to be a reminder for me everyday that I can be friendlier, approachable and everything positive. It also served as a way for me to condition my brain into naturally smiling whenever I sense that a human is near me (which apparently has failed since lots of people still find me intimidating). All of these were centralised around positivity and encouragement that I can do better. Now, I smile to the mirror to remind myself that I am still surviving. I have gained yet another day and not lose my sanity to the anxiety of yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that and so forth. I have survived. It is no longer a ritual where I affirm myself that I am doing well and can do even better. I have been reduced to the state that I needed a reminder that I can do worse, but I am still alive, surviving. For that, I am obligated to continue with my misery and therefore I will. 

5th week of school and things hasn't changed a bit. One thing that turned for the better is that i stopped trying to be too hard on myself. I stopped crying every now and then, i opened myself up to people. I think a lot of this has got to do with me going back home more and more frequently, where I am able to recharge and at least get a "its okay, just sleep" consolation from my mom. You may call it negative encouragement, since it technically encourages me to STOP working so hard but I feel that it helped. My family support and encouragement helped. I am holding it all together within myself, despite watching the world around me fall further apart, because I constantly remind myself that I have my family with me -- I am the daughter of my parents and it is my responsibility to be a happy daughter instead of one that drives herself into insanity. I am the sister of my sister, and it is my responsibility to stay sane from academics and only allow her to annoy me to insanity (lol). I am also the aunt of my two very precious nieces and I am here to fight to show them that they can be anything that they want to be, as long as they worked hard enough, as long as its what their heart tells them to. The world can tell me a million reasons why polytechnic is bad, and another million reasons to tell me that social work is going to get me nowhere with the big bucks. But I don't care, because I will prove to them that it is not in my blood (nor that of my nieces) to give up that easily. Of course, while I constantly remind myself daily about my family's encouragements -- calling my dad daily to hear him say "it's okay." when i sound emotional, and hear his uncertainty turn to being pleased as I made a joke of my day. calling my mom daily to tell her about my day or just simply to hear her rattle on and on about her day, almost as if a little kid was trying to tell her best friend about her entire life. constantly checking back if im still listening, and asking me to stop doing work to listen to her because she has a lot to say to me. although i don't call my sister, her annoying lame jokes over WA, especially during periods of stress, seems therapeutic to me as I seemingly laughed my worries away (at least for that 10seconds). I, too, receive daily photos of my nieces who are just my weakest point and I melt at looking how innocent and carefree they are (while also hoping that they never grow up into this horrendous world I am in, but still it voice down to me to help them buffer against the harsh and unnecessary reality) -- my friends play a very important role in helping me buffer against the world. All of their consolations and encouragements never seemed to ceased despite my repeated attempts at self destruction. They pick me up, over and over again. Telling me to eat sleep and most importantly, smile and just let nature take its course. (well and also pestering me to get a boyfriend but 1) i dont have time to sleep, where to find. 2) nobody likes a potato 3) i am a potato) 

I applaud you for continuing down to this paragraph because obviously the first two were just annoying whines and the typical appreciations that I usually write. To make things worse, Im still blabbing on without even getting started on my main topic and Im typing this on the way to the train, which i hope I do not just knock into something and coma because Im rushing to a really important meeting. So now, let's move on. 

To bring a little more link so that you dont feel that you have wasted your life reading the wordy paragraphs above, heres the link : besides family and friends, remembering my belief (that everything happens for a reason) which was what pulled me through my toughest days of polytechnic education have now also helped me to come to terms with daily questions of "why is it me?". Now on to the belief. 

i sincerely believe that values and beliefs are very important in shaping the decisions we make and our perception of the world. That's why I hardly get offended when someone tells me that the way I am doing things or thinking is wrong, neither do i disregard other's thinking and decisions. When I was searching the net for inspirational quotes (because im a loser who cant start a blogpost properly), there was this entry that stated the exact opposite of what I believe in. Of course, believing that everything happens for a reason seems to be a naive concept -- what do you mean things happen because of a reason. things happen because you were stupid enough to make tt one decision. You are just covering your ass and your stupidity by sounding wise and deceiving yourself into believing that you can do it. 

Indeed, I admit that it comes off as a "cover your stupidity" kind of naive thinking. But my 20 years of life told me that it might not entirely be wrong. Of course, you can still disagree and try to whack me out of this fantasy (ooh cool i have a fantasy world.) but I'm just gonna ask you to be kind and just let me live in my bubble world. Perhaps you will change your perception after reading what happened to me. But maybe not. No matter what, just listen. 

My life has all along been smooth sailing. A lot more smooth sailing than many others because I have lots of protective buffers in my life. My parents spared me the need to worry about shelter, food and care. My sister spared me the need to worry about being helpless in academics and in life decisions. My friends spared me the need to feel isolated (most of the time). i cannot say that there were major events in my life that changed me, but i beg of you to not belittle my life as well. let's begin with all the little events, most negatives. 

- I was never a smart kid. In primary school, the best ranking class I was ever in, was the preallocated P1 classes. Since then, I was always in worse classes. However, I felt that I was happier. Despite being in worse off classes, I never faced the stress that my sister spoke of when she was forcibly placed in a top class when she attended primary school. My parents never bothered with me because somehow I could still come off well. Perhaps being in a bad class had its good points. I didn't have to compete so much. I didn't have to fight to be the top. I didn't need to win. if I could do well, my parents and I were pleased. If i scored mediocrely, we merely brushed it off as "what to expect of a child from a D/E class?" Perhaps being placed in that environment weren't that bad after all. 

- came secondary school and I was sent to DYSS. Somehow, life managed to squeeze me into DYSS, where it was the last school on my list that sort of matched my mediocre aggregate at that time. although I was not able to enter the better schools, which i secretly wanted, I was contented to enter into DYSS. When I entered, and I saw that I was in the "last" class. I was elated. (though it later turned out to be the best class and I almost suffered a heart attack knowing that.) Somehow, I became 'smart', topping classes and successfully entered into triple science stream. till today, i dont think i really became smart. More like, i entered a school closer to my calibre. (Neither am i implying that my friends are stupid kay.) At the point of graduation, I was able to get into any course in polytechnic and a good JC if i wanted to. But as I ate my maggie mee after results day (while secretly 'hating' on my family for feasting out at Jack's Place without me), I wondered how would life be different if I ended up in a "better" school? Would i be given the same opportunities? And what different would it make if I ended up in the other "mediocre" schools? Would I be less able to excel as well? No matter what, somehow I entered DYSS and good things came out of it. it wasn't entirely my decision to go there but I did. And im thankful tt i did. 

-Despite repeated criticisms and "aiyo why you dont go JC?!?!" from people around me, I entered into a polytechnic. While I can say this decision was made by me, i dont claim full credits for where I ended up being in. My family insisted tt i go to a poly, and my sister chose science for me. I can only say that polytechnic education was the best thing that happened to me. I went overseas (with maximal subsidies), I got a scholarship and bursary to tide through, I got mentors and lecturers that genuinely cared for my well being and devoted a little of themselves to make me discover potential and made sure I was well aware that I am also capable. Polytechnic happened, and I even made it into a university with a scholarship. How much better can life get right! 

well, my life weren't exactly that smooth sailing either. More specifically, I faced a lot of friendship dissolutions. To a teenager, that made me rethink a lot of myself. But today, i look back and I tell myself im glad it happened. It didn't just happen because life hates me. I feel that it happened because life wanted me to see who were my true friends, and who weren't (which probably explains why I was placed in dance when I clearly didn't choose it at first. but it was the place where I found my true friends, who helped me through the 'darkest' times. see, things happen for a reason.) Most importantly, i feel that it made me stronger and less reliant on people around me. Even when i continually faced issues of friendship dissolution later on, i never once let it affect me so badly like it did last time. instead, i became conscious of those who mattered, and left those who didn't behind. 

I hope that i didnt come off as flaunting how smooth sailing my life is. what i hope that you all can see is how my life, has showed me that everything happened for a reason. had i gone to a JC, i dont know what will have happened right now. But i truly believed that if i was meant to go JC, i would have and it would have taught me something else. 

This belief that everything happens for a reason therefore stuck with me for the longest period of time. it kept me positive, it kept me going. Despite how bleak i seem to feel my future may be at many points of my life, knowing that something good will come out of it someday keeps me hanging on to see. This is how im seeing my life right now too. 

For the past few weeks, I revisit this belief each day to convince myself to hang in there. USP is not easy, and i often questions myself why did i choose to do this to myself (sometimes aloud. which i hope my neighbours didn't hear / get a shock). Having a scholarship isn't something that is all glory and prestige. it is also a form of responsibility and faith. So many times, I wanted to quit. Quit USP, quit school, quit life. But I didn't. (at least up till now) 

I convinced myself that everything happened for a reason. 

-I wanted to quit school because it was spiralling out of my control and i'm not trained to have such academic stamina. But I am holding it together. I'd like to think that even though I ended up in NUS from a polytechnic background that puts me at a disadvantage to many of the other JC kids, my polytechnic education was for a reason. Maybe it was a buffer period for me to learn more about building friendships (and curing my RBF), maybe it was a period where I could get a lot more exposure to the society and insights on the world (tho still quite limited). Perhaps this will come in handy one day in my NUS journey. 

- That being said, i think my scholarship happened for a reason. or many reasons. One being that it stopped me from quitting school. Two being it that provided an enlightenment to me on what I want to pursue as a career. Especially since it made me make such a big brave jump away from my comfort zone. While I could have snuggled back into the arms of science, i didn't. I am pursuing Social Work and I am looking forward to the day that I finally can practice it, to be able to journey with my clients. Because that is what I like and i think to love your job is important. I may get lesser pay then if I were to pursue another route, but i cannot guarantee ill be happy. Whats more is that I didn't even go for the interview for a Social Work degree but under the work of fate, I got switched out to this. Third, I think it was life's way of making me meet new friends that I'll like to keep for life too (yas minions). to a greater extent, I'm also connected to the other social workers who like me, wants to enter the social and healthcare sector to make a difference. Fourth, it probably happened because it was meant to buffer my parents' load. While my parents try to tell me that its okay, they will work to pay. I just don't bear to watch them slog their life away for another 5 years since they are alrdy in thejr mid 50s. Their children are grown ups and they even grandchildren now. it should be their turn to enjoy.  Scholarship, although it greatly increase my stress level, reduced my guilt for being too reliant on my aging parents. Scholarship, although it comes with a price, gave my parents so much more allowance to breathe and stop worrying so much about me. 

-Then came USP. In the second week of my school, I really didn't want to continue it anymore. I wanted to quit. I wanted to just say that 'yknow what. screw this. Im not smart so why am i here' But then, i ponder this question with my belief written right before me (to keep me on track with reflection. damn short attention spans). That is the exact reason why Im here. Because Im not smart and being placed amongst a group of smart people breaks the initial ego that I had since polytechnic. I never thought I would one day be overconfident, but i did. I was never the bottom few in poly, and this crept into me. it's really scary now that i think about it. How the whole situation has been, if I wasn't placed in USP. although I might be less packed in schedules, i would have been complacent. and that would be a costly lesson to learn at the end of semester 1. It would have been more painful to realise that I am actually not as good with concrete grades in front of me that I cant change. But for now, breaking my esteem and ego with USP helps me cope for the later days. I stay humble, and I work hard. It reminds me that I wasn't places into a higher education because I was capable. I am placed into a higher education because I need more development and growth. Because I am inadequate, and thus university happened. Because I am so inadequate, USP happened. 

Also, having to stay in a hostel really makes me re think how independent I am. Without my parents, I was really reduced to tears. With my lack of enthusiasm to fit into the social group because of inferiority, I locked myself up. That's how I felt so helpless. After some adjustments, I go home frequently now, calling my parents everyday that I don't. I force myself to put down my reluctance to make friends because I could really see how each and every Sarenites are there to really pull us through things together. In a bigger picture, I pulled through 2 weeks of OMF intense summer camp with OMF peeps. This is 4 years, and being placed in a hostel-based USP forms this support that I needed but I never once acknowledged it. This is probably the one of the exact reason why USP happened. 

I dont know if i even make sense right now, but to bring us back to topic, heres a straight in your face declaration: 

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. 

yes even that dog shit that you stepped on. for all you know, you could meet the love of your life, or use that story to icebreak in the future. (or maybe you are just unlucky la hor but make yourself feel better). 

Many would still remain skeptical about how everything happen for a reason, and whether it is the real reason or not. But that doesn't matter to me. its my life and I only have myself to justify to. i know that if i void all reasons that i have come up with, its likely that i would render myself in a deeper problem of existential crisis. 

Call me naive, call me dumb. but at least, you'll still see me hanging there to watch where would Life place me next. and tbh, i think its gonna be a pretty good ride (tho a torturous one). I may sound overly optimistic about life, thinking that everything happens for a (good) reason. But there is a difference between thinking everything will turn out fine in the end and believing that things happen for a reason. The former creates an illusion of a better future. The latter recognises that life isn't smooth sailing as always but gives hope to hang in there just a little longer. For all i know, things could change and happen for a reason purely to tear me down. Things can be a lot worse, and I am aware of that. I am not certain if something good will come out for everything that happened in my life, but i guess having a belief that propels me to think that theres bound to be something good somewhere makes me recover from bad things faster - recover from the whole whirlpool of "why me?" into "so now what?". 

p/s: being strong enough to pen down my thoughts really meant that Im fine and I will be fine for everyone of you who had texted me, commented and showered me with so much care and encouragement. Y'all gonna make me cry with that much love. but rest assure, i am really fine, and I will stay very strong (: