Invisibility.

"If you could have one superpower, what would yours be?"

Is it to fly across the the globe, free as a bird? 

Or is it to be able to read people's mind, so that you will know are genuine to you (or for some of the guys, just to know what your girlfriend is thinking when she is silent or says "anything")? 

Oh! Maybe some people will like being able to turn everything from virtual to reality (imagine getting shoes and clothes just from your computer screens!).

I think the list can go on forever, and it all depends on what your priorities and fears are. Of course, since it is my blog and my post, so obviously I'm going to write about my nonexistent superpower (duh). 

Invisibility. 

Some days, I longed to be noticed. I longed for attention, for popularity and for fame. I long for people to know who I am, and to have me on their mind. Like when they are grocery shopping or shopping for clothes, they go "Oh, this is so Chewlin", or "Oh my god, I need to tell Chewlin about this, she is going to love this supermarket!" I do this a lot of time when I'm shopping alone and it is getting so hard for me to actually shop for myself. 

However, most of the time, I fear for people to think and speak of me when they are not with me. Specifically, I fear gossips and misunderstandings. I fear people creating rumours and maligning me. 

I am totally fine if people bitch about me, as long as they are true. As long as my words and actions weren't twisted. If it was actually true mean bitch act, I am perfectly fine with people talking and cursing about me behind my back (though I totally prefer in my face, since 99% of the time I do not know I am being mean and I need to learn). 

In the recent years, I start to realize that people talk. Both good and bad. Like how I would discuss about people who aren't present with my friends who I met up with, other people will do too. It had slipped my mind how I might be a topic among others and it only came to me like now. For 20 years, it had never occurred to me that people would think of me in the midst of their conversations. However, it is more common now that I hear my friends saying "That day we were talking about you..." and in that instant, I would freeze for a split second. 

That sentence, or even any sentence that indicated that a certain conversation about me was struck up without me being present, it scares me so much. It doesn't even feel better if it was about something good and it is 1000000x worse if it is something bad. Maybe majority of my fear comes from not being able to defend myself if I was wrongly accused of something I didn't mean. Maybe my fear is that with that conversation going, I might lose a friend or two, without even given a chance to defend and keep my friends to me. If it was something good, I'm afraid that people will exaggerate too much about me that when they come to see me in reality, I am just far from that image painted.

I wished that I could be invisible to people, but that would mean that I would be lonely. Although being a nobody or an anti-social is the closest I can get in reality, I honestly feel that it will not fend off the rumours -- they just invite more of it because people can say all that they want and you won't be able to defend yourself or have anyone defend you at all. If only I can be invisible, or rather selectively invisible, I can get things done, without my presence lingering on someone's mind, without thinking if my words hurt someone, without thinking if my actions would break a friendship. Most importantly, my feelings are completely concealed, rather than I let it out here and there in the most abstract way possible and get misunderstood. 

I know I am not a good person, and I make mistakes. I think with my heart and am extremely emotional. This makes invisibility a great asset. I could get away with my random tantrums and no one would know other than me. I could cry in a long bus ride and no one will see it. 

Most importantly, I could get away with all the embarrassing moment that I have all day every day. 

But, we aren't superheroes. Even if there are, there is a reason why I am not one (first one being that I would use that to my advantage instead of helping people, like how superheroes should). The thing is, I honestly hope that I can just shut off the whole world but at the same time exist and succeed. I need to survive this life, but I would gladly do it without all that drama. I am really very tired. 

The most important question now lingers like the scent of sunflowers in my kitchen -- it strikes you from time to time, almost as if it never wants you to forget its existence. 

Can I have that life?