This is the meaning of it to me. Or rather, the effect of being a perfectionist:
BREAKDOWNS
I am not a perfectionist by nature, i was made to be one.I grew up slowly being one. And the part that always kills me whenever i ask myself why am i so hard on myself, is that... the person who cultivated this perfectionist idea into my head was.. ME.
Some people are perfectionist because they grew up in an environment whereby people are always expecting to do well. I grew up in an environment where people are NOT expecting much of me. Yes, there are always teachers and friends who will look at me and go like "She is gonna make it" but those were people that i didn't face everyday.I face my dad, mom and sister everyday. And they are the ones who have the most influence on me. They are like the catalyst in my life. Being so close with them, they have a huge influence on me. (get it? hahah) But then again, they were never putting any stress on me. N E V E R. Not even once did they expect me to score well. All they wanted was for me to pass, get a cert. and the reason why they want me to get a cert isn't because it matter so much in today's world. But because they want me to survive. Because getting a diploma cert means i can at least go and work as an admin, have a decent pay and survive. thats all they ever asked from me. So you ask me, where did my perfectionist personality come from? Shouldn't you be all like "everything is gonna be okay, even if i fail"? Well, sadly, no.
I grew up to become a classic example of perfectionist. And that probably started in primary 3. I wasn't a bright kid, and i never thought i was gonna be able to score As and distinctions throughout my life. Until one time, i got down with chicken pox and i couldnt go school for 2 weeks. and guess what: Exams was in 2 weeks. (Yes, it is just primary school, it is easy. But i was just a primary 3 kid, everything is tough alright.) But get this again. I was first in class for that exam. and i continued to score first for consecutively 4 times throughout my primary 3 and 4 life. So then, i started to realise what potential i have in my life and secretly started to want to be the best in everything. That's why when my PSLE result was only 221, i broke down. Well, a majority of it was because i couldn't get my PSP (my mom promised me a PSP if i scored 230. But well, i still got a NDS because i having a doting uncle who wanted to reward me for my hard work (: ) but the first thought that came into my head when i first started to cry was that i didn't do well. It was just a minute before the major reason dropped in, but even so, the perfectionist was creeping out. And being a kid, i never knew what that was. If i ever did, maybe i could do some damage control. But i never did.
On to Secondary School. I became "smart". All of a sudden. I was in the best class, and i scored top 3 or top 5 throughout my secondary school life. And that was when my perfectionist personality got "Fully developed". But the effects kicked in in poly. Because in secondary school, it was simple. and it was only the final exams that matter. So maybe through the entire secondary school, i was only working hard to get first during exams. but because i had very kind teachers who helped me, i understood my lessons and i can get pass studies without having much trouble.
but then, in poly, it is different. Every single thing matters. oh that tutorial you didnt do, that practical you got lesser than an A, that online assignment that you didn't do as well on the first attempt. All these can make you drop a grade, or in the extreme cases: Fail. But for me, being a classic perfectionist, I started with the concept of "pass can liao" but it grew into "a B is never enough" or rather even a B+ isn't even good enough. Because for every exam, i did well. Because for 3 semester in a row, i was in director's list. I was doing so well that even my course manager told me "Aiya, you confirm A one la" when i told him im gonna do badly for a module. And that fed my ego, my perfectionist side. Or i should say my perfectionist twin.
I started to look into every single %. if any of my practicals got lesser than an A, i would panic. if anything was lesser than an A, i would panic. And that got to me this semester. I only scored a B for Mobio. and i didnt get an A for my BIF practical test. And i got crazy. Especially for my finals. I slept for only 4 hours everyday for 1 week and on the night for INAC exam, i didnt sleep at all. I was trying to memorise everything. i was trying so hard. Because i dont wanna flunk. And when i say flunk, i mean, getting no A, and getting out of the director list. But the most terrifying reason behind my head was: getting stripped off of my scholarship. Which i do hold a chance of being stripped off.
I didn't do my INAC exam well. I felt like i gave up on myself. i was writing rubbish on my paper. and i only knew it when the teacher said "times up" and theres nothing i can do. because its over. i finished my paper with a very bad note.and my mobio paper and mbc paper was bad as well. and so i went full gloomy. I was really devastated with myself. even though results aren't out, i know things aren't looking bright. I know that i am gonna do badly (reminder: not getting full As). and then when i came home, i cried. cried till i slept. and when i woke up, i cried again. For about 4 hours when i am home. until my mom came home and i talked to her. She assured me that it is okay if i didn't do well. She said no matter what, i will always be her good girl. It didn't matter to her even if one day after graduation i tell her that i don't wanna study anymore. All she wanted for me,was to be happy. and that was when i started to feel a little better. Even though the fear was there and it will not go away, i was feeling better. I was feeling more powered to face the reality because if i fall, i have the floor. no just kidding. If i fall, i still have my mom and my dad.
so, that is my story of being a perfectionist. And now i will tell you what was it about.
To me, it was sleepless nights, it was constant fear, it was competition with myself. It was unhealthy. because when you are a perfectionist, you want everything to be done nicely. And that is tough. Because, i am only human.
But then, that was not what a perfectionist think of.
A perfectionist wants things to be done P E F E C T L Y. it was not good enough being second. even if you could not be the best, you wanted to make sure that you were at least better than someone. But most of the time, you expect yourself to present the best that you have got, even if you know you are not good enough. you are willing to break all barriers to be the best. to show people and most importantly yourself, that you are perfect. to be perfect.
but life isn't gonna be all perfect. Nothing can be. You are gonna have a few fall backs, if not many. You aren't saint, you aren't gonna be able to do everything on point. and that is what drives you crazy. Because your desire to do so well was not met, you go crazy.
"Nobody is perfect. Unless you are called Nobody"
It was a joke. but it does make sense now. No one can be perfect. but you can if you are nobody. when you are nobody, you become perfect because whatever you have, you look at it as a perfect portion of your life. you stop comparing to people. you see yourself as nobody. you are just some wandering soul. and you are perfect. because you stop wanting to be perfect. and thats what make you perfect. because that is what that's lacking in people. being contented with things they have and they look at their life as a perfect life. a "Nobody" recognises the things they have. they think that things that they have are perfect. and so they will be the most perfect person on earth. they are nobody. they are perfect.
It is tiring to be a perfectionist. it really am. and im so tired of it already. my mental health and my physical health is being affected by it already. I either dont eat, dont sleep. Or i gorge myself. I either sit at the corner of my room looking into space and start to cry. the expectations i have for myself is beyond humane. And that doesn't only apply to studies. it apply to being a person too. Because i have this perfect image in my head. I want to be the girl people say "she is perfect". i want to be pretty (okay people. dont say i am inferior about my looks. i get it already), i want to be thin, i want to be popular, i want to be smart, i want to be an angel. but i am not. i am not a good person. I don't do donations all the time, i hesitate when trying to help a stranger (i do wanna try, but i hesitate because i don't know if they will accept my help), i am selfish, i am short tempered, i am a spoilt princess. All in all, i think i am a nasty person.
And that is it, i look into the mirror, i see all my flaws. because i am a perfectionist, i focus on my flaws and i try to make them perfect. i neglect all my good. i never look at them at all. and it is so tiring because the person who brings me down all the time, is myself. and its hard because i cannot shut her up. She is IN me. if it was someone else, i would have taken a masking tape and tape up the mouth, but it is IN me. I can't shut her up because she is in my head. deep inside. and here is a letter from me to her:
And that is it, i look into the mirror, i see all my flaws. because i am a perfectionist, i focus on my flaws and i try to make them perfect. i neglect all my good. i never look at them at all. and it is so tiring because the person who brings me down all the time, is myself. and its hard because i cannot shut her up. She is IN me. if it was someone else, i would have taken a masking tape and tape up the mouth, but it is IN me. I can't shut her up because she is in my head. deep inside. and here is a letter from me to her:
Dear Jessica Perfectionist Goh,
Hello, i am the human you are residing in. You are literally in my mind. I do appreciate your help in motivating me to do well. I do appreciate your help in pushing me be the "perfect" girl. But let me tell you this, you don't have the right to do it. You are doing things overboard. Stop expecting me to be that girl. Stop expecting me to score As. You have no idea how hard things are for me because all you do is do reside in my head and expect things for me and when it doesn't turn out to be perfect, you bring me down every now and then. You give my unrealistic goals that i cannot reach. You make me want to do well and you make me go to the extreme that i really cannot take it anymore. Why are you doing this to me? my mother isnt even expecting me to be that perfect. what do you want with me. stop doing this to me. if you have to, can you not expect too much. Can you just serve as a motivation and thats all? maybe you have to back down a little while. you have been so hard on me, i cannot live anymore. i am merely surviving. im sorry, but you need to stop.
Regards,
ChewLin
No, i don't have mental illness. but i will have if this perfectionist side of me don't stop getting the better of me. im sorry it is another upsetting and complaining post of me. I promise i will try to reduce the number of such posts. I will post happier posts for you people. Thanks for reading.
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