SI-THOR-BEI-LEI

so hey, im back blogging. must be mad to blog at this time. with work piling and exams in less than a month and here i am. BLOGGING. well, cant bring myself to do any work. so i shall just blog first. another wordy post, nothing fancy. just me and my whiny self. yes, this is going to be a whiny and maybe LONG post. ive got to vent it all out before i can pick myself out and go back to studying.

seriously, poly life isnt better than secondary school life. i must have been insane trying to get out of deyi. really. since when have anyone of you, seen me, GOH CHEW LIN, forsaking the television for studying, or rather trying my best to focus on studying, during secondary school? really, NEVER. ive never mugged, ive never studied till late night, not even for my Olevels. People say 'You are smart. you dont revise your work, and yet your grades are consistent." People, thats not true. im not smart, im lucky. there is a very clear difference in the two regions. Being smart, i wouldnt be fretting over my results already. But i was lucky, whenever i dreaded an exam and prayed for the paper to be doable or miraculously i can somewhat anyhow bomb something, i was lucky enough to get away with relatively good grades and be the 'smart kid' teachers, friends and relatives thought i was. but the truth is, im not. IM LUCKY. and im very grateful and thankful that my luck brings me this far. and i do wish it will continue to bring me further.

Getting back my CTs, and having relatively good grades, excluding IJ and physio. IJ, really, i have no hope for that module and pray that it wont affect much. and i hope my lack of creativity will not cause my team mates to get lower grades. :( Physio, i havent gotten the paper back, but i aint getting a good feeling about it. Seeing everyone getting very VERY good grades makes me so stressed. What if im one of the five who failed? what if i got a C? what if i aint good enough? What ifs are piling up in my head and there is completely no answers to them and i know they wont be answered until i finish my final exam, which comes in less than a month. and frankly speaking, im NOT one bit prepared. im struggling, in this battle. I thought i will survive, but im struggling alrdy. I dont hate this course, but the fact that everyone around me are so much smarter than me makes me feel so inferior and stressful. And really, sometimes, i really feel like unfollowing every single person on twitter, delete my fb, throw my phone out of the house and just start life as a caveman. weird, yes. but i dont want to let my heart and my mind suffer more than what it can take. even when i dont score that bad, the moment i see someone better, this feeling comes back. i hate it. i hate the fact that im such a perfectionist. but i hate the fact that i will take my friends as my competitors because im such an annoying perfectionist. i dont want to be like that. i should be feeling happy for them, not feel JEALOUS about them. I guess being one of the 'smart kid' during my secondary school life have made me overestimate myself.

Some people, work better with compliments, while others work better with harsh comments. frankly speaking, i work with none. Yes, im a perfectionist and i LOVE compliments. exclude appearance compliments, im VERY inferior over my appearance, so i basically hate all appearance comments. but then, compliments makes me complacent. Its so obvious. you can see it from my olvls. im a potential A student for my physics. but what happened? i got a B3. why? i was being too complacent. i thought i was good enough. but i guess not. Then when theres harsh comments. yes i tell myself, these are the comments that will make me grow, make me learn, make me mature. but who am i kidding? apparently, myself. Im like a strawberry, i crush and flop at the presence of any stress. any harsh condition and down i go, rotting. and it takes very long for me to recover. Take today as example, my microbio results were inaccurate, and yknow what? when Ms Tan was telling me that my techniques are wrong and i must give her the troubleshoot area for my report even though i know my grades are going down because of that, I wanted to cry. i almost did, but pulled it back. Then IPC practical, the sight of the marks make me so depressed. Being in a poly, and knowing that EVERY SINGLE GRADE counts makes me more and more depressed, because i realise, that in the actual world, there is no space, no area, no allowance for me to make any more of my stupid mistakes. I can fail my common tests in sec school and still score As for my final exam, but not now. GPA is everyday grading. and yknow what? i feel like im in a war. A war where i fight every day. A war where i try to excel, A war i try to win, and yet deep down, i know i cant win this beautifully. i already lost two-third of it. i said i'll work, what happened? i said ill get a perfect score for Year1, what happened? now im clinging on to my last hope--dance. thats my last shot before i officially claim i lost, go back and cry. but at the end of the day. i hope, and i know, with the help of people around me, ill stand right back up, fighting this war again and again and again. to the day i win this war and make my family proud and make myself happy and without regrets.