So let me start with a short start list of my life shall I.
- April- stepped into Ngee Ann Polytechnic, my dream school and dream course, Biomedical Science with relatively good O levels results I had no idea how i got it. The power of BSWS.
- May- Quit my job, and finalised my decision to join dancesport for good. Got rejected for my scholarship, i wanted so badly.
- June-Common Test week. Cried for the very first time in school because of stress due to inability to adapt to the fact im no longer that 'smart kid' i used to be.
- July- 5th TDA Dancesport Competition. Got into tertiary semi finals and got gold for pre-beginners chachacha. probably the best event that happened to me for the entire semester.
- August-Final Exam. Harsh Truth. Procrastination. Tears and Anger.
I remember promising myself, that i will excel in my academics, work and dance, all at the same time. Its only when i really started executing all of them at one go, then i realised how much it is for me to take. So i quit my job and focused more on my studies and dance. That scholarship that NP didnt give to me, frankly speaking, i do not think i deserved it anyway. They asked 'Why did you choose Biomedical Science' Seriously, i couldnt think of a single reason. Many would have said "because i love science." "because my ambition is to be..." I really could not think of a single reason. To tell you all the truth, i chose it, because i didnt know what to choose and given my results, i could go any course. and i somewhat chose biomedical science. But its all different now. I know why i want to be in this course. Would there be a day, anyone were to ask me why did i choose it. I know what my answer would be. "Because I cannot imagine myself doing something, other than Science. As much as i do not excel in it, I enjoy Science. " That interviewer who said to me "I see that your humanities and languages are better than your science. Can you tell me why are you in a Science course?" It brought me down, demoralised me to the extent that everytime i failed, i thought of quitting school. But now, im gonna change it into my motivation. Im gonna work my way up. Im gonna survive this three years, just to prove that I WANT TO AND I CAN BE IN A SCIENCE COURSE.
Yes, i got back my CT results after sulking for very long and even cried in school right after my Physiology paper. yes, i got better results. and of course, received scoldings and probably got labelled as "the asshole who said she wont do well, who freaking cried after the paper, is the asshole getting the good grade." I hereby apologised for losing control of my emotions and making myself like those assholes that i hate that much too. but really, being in a poly now, makes me realise that im not the smartest and i cant survive just by revising the day before. I can get 1st in class four times in a row for the four semester through primary 3 and 4, in which one of the semester i missed two weeks of school right before exam because of chicken pox. I can be the top 3 in secondary one. i can be the top 5 in secondary 2. I can be the top 10 for my secondary 3 and 4. I can even be the top Singaporean in my class during Prelims. and for my Olevels, i got a raw 10 for my L1R5. and yknow what? ive never studied hard. Ask me what i do after school, i tell you 'watch tv. eat. sleep. stone" I never revised. During exams, i would study because i feel guilty not doing so. During exams, i never once burned the midnight oil. But i got through them, with pure luck that what i studied would come out in my next day's paper and somehow, my brain just could write down the correct answer. In poly, it just isnt the same anymore. Im not the smartest. I cant answer the questions my teacher ask. I cant be that model student because im constantly procrastinating and this procrastination is further amplified because it greatly reflects in my daily work and final grades. Im not saying that ill fail, because im hoping i wont. But after one semester of school, i start to learn how balance my thoughts, my emotions, my expectations. The final results isnt out yet, but i promise myself right now, no matter how much i score, how below expectations it gets, im gonna only take 1 hour to regain my composure. I can never be the best, but i can always strive to be better. I've gotta stop living life just to meet my expectations and start anticipating what is to come, good or bad, and live through it.
Yes, i should stop nagging on and on and on on my studies and blah. Despite stress from academics and occasional unhappiness along the way, there are still times when im happy and contented. A family to fall back to, friends who are there for you, and different people i meet along the way. My family, yes i can get very spoilt and argue with my family, yes i take them for granted, yes im not the perfect kid whos filial and well-mannered, yes i make them angry. But, i love them very much. though that never got expressed through words but i dont know how i would live through my life without them being a part of it. My dad may not be constantly caring that much as my mom, but he's the one who would wake up extra early to send me to school, the one who would go fetch me at 10pm after my dance, the one who would wait outside my workplace for 4 hours just to fetch me home, but still without any complaints. My mom may be naggy, she may not be able to provide me with all the materialistic wants that i have, but she cares. she tries her best to satisfies my wants and my needs. she's always there. My sissy may scold me sometimes, but then again, if i was smart enough and independent enough, she wouldnt scold me. I deserved those scoldings and the reason why i kept going back to her for help, despite knowing she'll scold me, because i know she's the one i can turn to. even if she cant help fully, there would be a little path, that she would be able to direct me to. deep down, im still that little kid, who circles around my seven-year-older sister, just trying to get her attention, even if it means annoying her to the extent that she will remember my presence because i was so damn irritating. And my friends, they are there for me. And im very happy i met these bunch of people. Weishi, Theresa, Jaclyn, Denise, Jodie, Jolene, 1M03, NPDS, Amanda, and all of the awesome peeps ive met in poly. Not forgetting my bestie, girlf, leepeng, weichao, benson, kerwin, and all the awesome deyians and AWESHOOM MND. All of them, came in my life to make it more tolerable when i was down, and made it clear to me that im not alone, and i didnt have to be constantly hiding in my bubble, my comfort zone. (:
When life brings you down, remember you will also have your family, your friends and people who are willing you pull you back up on your feet. You are never alone.
0 comments :
Post a Comment