Hello people. Ive been MIA-ing for like so many thousand years but still i see my blog stats still sustained.Thank you people who come to just read on my rants eh :) hehehe.
So yea, new blogskin and designs. Switched to my favourite white and dasies and of course simplicity. Okay just kidding about the simplicity. Im just lazy to change. and i know nuts about HTML and stuffs. The most i can go to is to those widget websites and get those HTML codes and "Ctrl C, Ctrl V." HEH.
Wanted to add a little tiffany blue. But i figure that my blog looks good enough for me (: and i changed the songs! Call me old school or something la. I like having songs on my blog somehow. I think that to complement my daily rants and annoying princess-y (or should i say, prince-y) claims, i should add some songs that i really like to share with you guys! So anyway, new up on the playlist is :
Please Don't Let Me Go-Olly Murs
Busy-Olly Murs
We Can't Stop-Laica Salas
Yes, i like Olly Murs song. I like his vocals. Like those are the vocals that ALWAYS attract my attention. AND LAICA SALAS. GO AND LISTEN TO HER VIDEOS. HER VOICE IS AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGG. and she just made me want a ukulele again. I wanted it a year back but i didn't get it because dance was costing me a bomb and school just suck the time out of me. As much as what WeiShi say,
"Time is like cleavage. Squeeze then have already."
Then i would be like,
"Time is like MY cleavage. Squeeze also DONT HAVE."
hahaha.
P/S: she always say that my back and front no diff one. This is how we talk. haha
Yea, but ive decided that i should get a ukulele. Not now of course. Ive decided to revamp my wardrobe first (: Maybe next year! need to save up first!
Or does anyone has a spare or unused ukulele to lend me to try out playing first? (:
I wanna get a white one first. The basic of the basic. hahaha. (and of course. the cheapest and yet still better than those that goes out of tune after 3 times.)
Okay la, so exams are over. It was kinda meh. But the moment it ended, i felt so liberated. Been months since this feeling came back. COME BACK TO MOMMA. HAHAHA
Wont say that i did fantastic. But i do hope i did good enough.
Please dont let all the late nights, hair falling and hardwork go to waste :(
i really tried my best.
Damn, if it wasnt for that status, i wont even be so scared.
sigh.
But i aint giving up. Not now.
So anyway, about my title. Because just 2 days ago, i was so upset over something that made moi best buddy upset too. hahaha. Jolene la. That doofus.
So the story goes like this:
Ive been eyeing on this shirt for MONTHS. like since its first launch but i keep missing the backorders and stuffs. so i didnt get it. So when it opened now, i wanted to get it. And i asked jolene if she wanna get something from there too. To my surprise, she ordered the same shirt that i like. Being someone who doesnt like to share the same clothes with people, i was extremely upset. Not pissed off la. Upset. And this doofus knew my selfish pattern and started blaming herself also (because i showed her the shirt months ago too. but she forgot)
But of course la, i wasn't upset because she got it.
It wasn't even against her.
It was because
.
.
.
Okay la, im inferior la.
Deep down, im so afraid that i will look like potato next to her in the same clothes.
Thats why.
I know that different people wear clothes differently. As long as you love it, then why not right?
But try growing up being that fat one. When you see yours friends tall and slim and wearing clothes that were so nice. When you have friends who called you and made fun of you being fat (and apparently i just told them im fit, not fat. no idea where that came from)
and then slowly, it just grew on me.
I am fat, hence i cannot wear this.
I have huge calves, hence i cannot wear that.
For every clothes, there'll be definitely be a reason one.
And the ultimate one was
"I dont even look half as good as my friend. Hence, im not gonna wear that."
But yea, i didnt have any problem with that until now.
Because Jolene's taste and mine is like 80% similar.
Okay la. more like my taste is like her.
Im like some japalang one.
She's the korean korean type.
So you know.
Out of inferiority.
the moment she told me shes upset, i felt that
WOAH. NO. CHEWLIN STOP.
I never wanted to hurt anyone.
Especially not with my inferiority.
Never.
Not my friend.
Not my best friend.
And then i thought about it in a night.
Why am i even thinking that way.
1)Im not ugly. Im not that fat anymore either. As much as im not Miranda Kerr, that doesnt make me a plain Jane. But even plain Jane takes pride in what she wears. Why not me?
2)Why am i even upset? I should be bloody hell upset if my friend (who has fashion sense 1000000000000000x stronger and better than mine) says that my fashion sense suck. If she likes the same thing, i should be pulling all the party poppers and thank guanyingma and all deity that my fashion sense improved. OHMMMMMMM.
So yea. The next day i texted her la. I honestly didnt want to make anyone upset la.
I was just inferior. Or rather inferiority got the better of me. But anyway, im just a straight forward person la. I dont like it, its just all over my face and my body language one. (I have princess syndrome. More to my family. But sometimes i let it out to my friends too. oops.)
AND i sincerely promise that i will change la.
else imma lose such a good friend over what, a $25.50 shirt?
i must be mad if i do, seriously.
And besides, once i curb it, then i can go shopping with more people too.
And this problem seems to only lies with clothes.
Somehow, i dont have any problem with shoes and accessories.
Prolly cos even if you wear the same shoes or accessories, its not obvious.
But clothes it like BAM. DIRECT COMPARISON YO.
And i sincerely dont think im a good friend at all lo.Ya, i try to help my friends with their work. I try to be as friendly as possible. I try very hard.
But then when im studying or what, my mood damn cray cray one.
So when people ask me things, i will go all crazy if its just a little bit of it that just pissed me off.
Im still surprised i didnt scream at that person at the lab the other time. guess i couldnt be bothered to. meh.
And now that i see, i do have alot of friends.
I do know alot of people.
But the thing is...
.
.
1) Inferiority. Its the root of all my weird actions kay.
I dont talk to some people because i feel that they are"too cool" to talk to me. Not that im to cool. Some people might think that im a stuck up person la. But i honestly am not. I just.. idk if i should say hi or not. Because im not "cool enough". And then i dont dare to buy clothes the same as my fashionista friends because i dont feel that i look good like them. And hence misunderstandings. I am just afraid that they will see me like some weirdo la. Like "why is this kiddo talking to me/dressing like me?" of course, i wont dress entirely the same la. I like separate pieces then ill mix and match of course. I just scared people will think
"She think she damn cool meh? shes just a freaking weirdo nerd."
Hence, there are people i dont talk to. and i tend to siam one. and yet now i know that that makes me a even more weird person >< im not saying that people i talk to are not cool ah. you guys are cool. Its just that being around you all gives me an additional sense of comfortable and security. idk. some people i trust very easily. others, i find it hard.
OKAY LA. IM WEIRD LA.
2) Face Blindness
And one more thing is that, people always say that i ignore them. Other than feeling that you are "too cool" and im like "not even at your level to talk to you", But the thing is i have face blindess.It takes 4 hours for me to fully register your face and your name. I dont have to be constantly talking to you for 4 hour. But i need to be in the same space. and during that 4 hours, i know who you are. then after that i can recognise you. Else, ill be like :who are you? sometimes, i cant remember people from too long ago too. I will be like "hmmm. right, you look like you know me.Hence i shall say hi."
3) Introvert.
Im starting to open up to people. But still, its tired and suffocating being around people i dont know. But sometimes i just want to be alone. Hence i can go shopping along. go to a cafe alone. go to the library alone. i can basically do alot of things alone. while others might need friends to go with. Like my jobs. I never go for a job interview with my friends except with 2 exceptions. And only worked with my friends once. the rest, i always go find my own one.
from orchard to bugis to bishan to amk to serangoon.
ill spend a day like that to look for jobs.
im not independent. i just dont know how to talk to people and initiate to ask.
But now, its a different story. I have the tendency to ask people out. to initiate outings and meetings. Because i dont wanna lose these friends anymore. Tho i still need a little "me time" once every fortnight. to just "recuperate" from the loss of energy.
Sorry okay people. I will be a better friend now. i lub you all many many. Dont leave me.
and hence, ive decided to start on a journey to change myself. Ive said this a thousand times. but no, this time its gonna work. i will make it work. people are doing 20 things about myself. so now imma do "10 things i am gonna change"
1) Be friendlier
2) Be less selfish
3) Be less self centered
4) Curb my temper
5) Stop feeling inferior
6) Cherish and dont take things for granted
7) Get abs
8) Get my splits back
9) Get my shit together, Pull my socks up. (for real this time, but not literal meaning.)
10) Be a better person. The one who i will want to befriend with
TADAH. okay la. seems quite general. But im generally a bad person still.
hahahah.
so okay. im not an angel. no one can be la.
but ill try to be as close to one
No way am i going to hell after i die. I scared ><
That Haw Par Villa exhibit really scare the shit out of me.
okay thats it! will be updating more frequently now that holidays are here and i cant go to work because i need to go for YEP and it just isnt the right timing. sigh. need to save up!
thats it folks! (:
p/s : as usual i type this without thinking la.just whatever that comes to my head. so yea. dont read too much into it. and yea. im not writing this with tears rolling down or what kay. i cry ver easily yes.( i even cry watching ANTM. wts) but no. im just writing it in the straight poker face. hahahahaha.
byebye! (:
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