EAT, SLEEP
and ive gained 2 kg over the trip. hate how my body gains weight so quickly. its like a balloon. and i cannot deflate it quickly. else my body goes haywired. photos will be up when i have time i guess. theres so much work to do. (and yet im blogging. what irony.)
but i need to rant. because the moment i got home, i felt reality settling in. and frankly speaking. i aint liking it. in fact im hating it.
I wasnt feeling the need to blog until i went to read someone's blog. i can feel her anger, her sadness, her agony. as much as some didnt apply to me, but what she said, honestly, i feel the same. and the exact replica is happening to me.
The moment i got home and checked my phone, and theres the notification for MMB presentation. im damn bloody tired already. not physically, but mentally. mentally drained. mentally tired. i dont know why, but the thought of school work just makes me wanna puke.
Someone said;
'I know after achieving good results you feel it's a must to maintain it. Yes I know exactly how you feel but hope you will understand that giving yourself too much stress is harmful for yourself physically and psychologically. Do relax yourself at appropriate times! I know you will continue to do great. Don't give yourself too much pressure! :)'
And another said;
'because you are never relaxed . When you are always tense up, you'll cause your brain to repeat the same mistake again'
Do i really have what it takes to do great? do i? can i really do great? this sem is honestly bloody tough. okay, maybe its tough to me because im flunking. (dont hate on me on this sentence. its true. i know myself best) and yes, the pressure to sustain it is overwhelming. thats why i hate to tell people my results. thats why i only tell good news to my closest closest friends. thats why unless necessary, i never reveal my grades. because im afraid. what will you all think of me if i did badly? would it be shocking? yes of course it will. but that shock, just adds on to my devastation. Sometimes i think i need a therapist, a psychologist. because i think im sick. im ill. im getting depression. (but the fact that i can consider going to get a shrink just tells me im still right in the mind) Cat told me about that girl in her school. That girl is strong. but i am not. Im afraid of being struck in the same situation as her. as a matter of fact, i dont want to be stuck in the same situation as her. because deep down i know, i wont be able to hold it together after that. i might just run to a building and just jump off it.
it is the holidays, but truth is, it is supposed for us to clear up our projects. and theres a hell lots of project. and immuno is 15 percent. yes, my paper is easy. but will i be able to do it right? my CCTA practical was a full 10 percent also. what happened? poof. all gone.
its always this question : am i doing it right? am i doing enough?
The uncertainty of it just drives me nuts. and its not just the uncertainty coming from me. The fact that i imagine people judging me is not helping. i cant help but keep thinking about how people will judge me, or how they are already judging me. Its not like they are right? i mean, those who are reading my blog, you aint judging me right? are you all always expecting me to do well? or do you already have the image fixed in your mind that 'yes, chewlin is definitely gonna do well.' see. i dont know if i am putting so much pressure on myself because im afraid that i will disappoint the image i have in people, or am i purely just imagining things. i dont know. theres this voice in me, telling me that i will never ever do well. and theres another voice telling me that i have to do well. and theres another one telling me to give up. and theres another one telling me that i cant.
Sometimes, i wake up just wanting to go to student's office and apply to quit school.
Sometimes, i wake up in the morning thinking what should i do from now this screwed up mess.
Sometimes, just sometimes, i wished i was dead.
its just one word. Mess. i want to keep my GPA. but i know, i wont be. i correlate my results with CT and practicals. and the fact is, things arent looking well. i see a bleak future in this semester. or rather ,at least, CCTA and IMMUNO is a goner. and thats 12 CU. almost half of the overall. well done.
and then theres dance. i feel the passion slipping away from my hands like sand running through the gaps between my fingers. havent been dancing for 3 weeks. havent been improving since months ago. matter of fact, its deteriorating. somehow, i dont wanna dance anymore. the fact that im flunking my schoolwork just deters me from dance. jolene being injured is an excuse, i know it. its an excuse i give to myself to stop dancing. to stop dancing just so i can have time to rest, to study. but i know i shouldnt. because dance was what picked me up when i was down. but im not ready for it to bring me down. i dont know what to do anymore.
i want my passion back. for science, for dance. i want to study well and earn big bucks. but can i? argh. there i go again.
back to immuno ppt prep. bye.
New fave
She was a marionette. Lifeless, Aimless, Worthless. Without the master, she was nothing and yet she loath the way she was manipulated around. No future, no light, no freedom. As the flames burned down the houses, she was burnt to ashes. She made no struggle, not that she could. She made no cries, not even the silent ones that she had for years. She shut her eyes and in a split fraction of a second, she was gone. Everything was gone. As the wind blew her remains away, some to the east, some to the west, some to a destination far far away. She never made it to the finishing line of being one of the best. But she broke free from what restrained her from being her. She was that marionette. That one that won.
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