PMS

okay ill admit it straight up front, PMS is a bitch, and so am i. Been flaring up for no particular reason and feeling so guilty right after which (sorry mom). Raging hormones, you need to calm down. Well, anyways, i just needed someplace to talk and rant about. And since blog is the only place where i can talk to myself without being a weirdo, and not much people are gonna read it unless i post my link, hence i shall rant. And i promise not to post my link up anymore. this blog is gonna just stay this way. if you read it, you will see the things. not gonna just post my link and say i just ranted. because i doubt i wanna dampen anyone's mood with my negativity or what so ever.

school is starting in less than 24 hours, and the thought of it just simply suffocates me. I dont want to go back to school. I dont want to. Been feeling like this since i woke up. Pretty sure it aint the haze thats causing the breathing difficulties and the heat causing me to be angsty the whole of today. Im pretty much sure its what in my head. And its school. school. school.

Have you ever restarted a game because you felt like you were losing and you just didnt want to admit it? It was just a button away anyway, what could be so difficult. Well, but in life, you dont get a second chance. For that 25 of you who have been reading my blog (it has never exceeded 25, so yay to the 25 who have been continually reading my negativity and hasnt left to get a chopper and kill me. i feel so touched), it is pretty obvious that this semester is a full wreck. I often correlate my finals to CTs, and i dont feel good about it. My sister asked me why am i so stressed when my family is not even pressurizing me to do well. Prolly the fact that im afraid of getting judged, prolly the fact that being able to climb up so high last year, made me feel like i shouldnt be losing to anyone. But the fact is, i know i aint gonna be able to maintain my god-knows-how-i-did-it GPA. and yet, i dont want to let it go and accept the fact that im just not cut out for that GPA, dont deserve that GPA and thus, i will lose that GPA. call me stubborn, call me competitive, its just the voice in my head that tells me to work harder and push myself harder whereas the other voice is screaming "Help me."

The dreadfulness im feeling towards school isnt coming from the overwhelming projects and the feeling that i know that my work aint half done. But the fact that i know that for the next 1-2 months till finals, there is nothing i can do to save my ass (okay fine, grades). and i cant press the restart button. Its so.. annoying. but right. ill still go back to school tmr regardless of what. because deep in my heart, i still want to graduate. 3 and 1/4 semesters more. i can do it, can I?

BAH. -slap self-