diary of the girl who lived next door

so this is my hundredth post! and ive decided to dedicate this with a whole philosophical(nonsensical) type of post. those that i used to do. So today's theme is "diary of the girl who lived next door". so apparently its about me la. (well since when my posts havent been about me. hehe) okay let's get started.

so yea, let me start with a redundant introduction of who i am. I am Goh Chew Lin, aka Jessica. Jessica is a name that only my family call me, though it has gradually been used by my friends who somehow cannot pronounce or have extreme difficulties remembering my name. Oh, and its used by my dearest partner, Jolene Sim, as a mean to laugh at me. geez.. okay back on track. Im 18 this year, studying in Ngee Ann Polytechnic Biomedical Science. Now, don't start judging me and stereotyping me as one of those "smarties". I have to say that, and clarify that, and emphasize it every single time--I AM NOT. I would not have said that I worked my butt off to get into this course (BUT I AM WORKING MY BUTT OFF TO TRY AND STAY IN IT), but it is mostly luck that brings me thus far. I do see myself as a really lucky girl. Oh, and support from my family and friends...

 I am also a dancer in training!

okay its getting kinda awkward introducing myself. so lets skip it.

So anyway, i know that many of my friends' impression of me are:

1. Fierce
2. Dao
3. Unfriendly 
4. Did i mention fierce already?
5. Studious
6. Nerd
7. Geek 
8. Manly (seriously wts)
9. Violent
10. Extreme scatter-brain

and im sad to say, or rather, i am unwillingly acknowledging all of these.

Except 5. I always do last minute work

okay, used to. Poly system doesnt allow me to play and fool around.

But those are first impressions. Over the years, i've collected impressions about me. 

Both Good and Bad.

They say that im pretty.

They tell me that i am smart.

They tell me that im a pefectionist.

They tell me that i am nice.

They tell me im a pampered princess

They tell me im overly dependent on my family

They tell me that im spoilt. 

They tell me im unreasonable.

and the list goes on

.

.

.

 even though, some of which i disagree really strongly.

 

I wouldn't say that im a perfect girl.

Neither will i say that i am a saint.

I have flaws and strengths.

But.

I only know that..

i dont even know myself sometimes.

and i take all the negative comments too personally

to formulate a person, who i see myself in,

when i look into that mirror.

Have you ever been through times that you were just dazing in the bus, 

your thoughts start to flow in,

your phone is vibrating from all the WhatsApp about work,

and you are carrying a large bag that has all your academic materials,

you just dont move at all.

you let the bus movement jerk you from left to right

knocking into the metal pole next to you

feeling the physical pain and numb

you dont move, you dont want to

and you just break down and cry.

In public.

On the bus. 

Dramatic. i know. 

Its just because im writing it. 

Anyone who saw me on the bus would say that im crazy

but they dont know what was I feeling

 

I know that me crying isn't such a huge deal.

but the emotions that i was feeling from out of nowhere is.

Its as if the walls were closing in on me,

i couldn't breathe properly for a good 10 min

without telling myself 

"Chewlin, Breathe"

Nobody will scold me for not performing well.

Nobody will reprimand me for slacking that 2 hours off to watch Disney.

Nobody in my house puts any pressure on me. 

Everyone who sees me, they ask me 

"why are you so stressed up then?"

I tell them,

"I dont really know either"

The other day, on my way home from dance, this guy came to give me a Christianity brochure.

"Girl, I give you Hope"

He said. 

I am not sure if he just randomly picked me out of the intention of wanting to persuade another person to join Christianity 

But i do believe, that it was a warning from life, 

that i am hopeless. 

Or rather, i am rendering myself in a state of losing all faith and hope.

and it is trying to tell me

"Keep your heads up, Keep sane, Keep going"

Then i came across this article about signs that you are a perfectionist.

As much as i am proud (or not) to say that i am definitely one,

the signs that confirm that fact made me sick in the stomach.

And that does it.

I know it.

 

I'm ill. terribly ill. 

not physically, 

but mentally. 

No im not a psychopath.

I would say that im in a way or another, 

Im ill, 

so ill that im manipulating my mind such that it harms me so much

People who know me,

I always said that im tired. 

I always said that i am stressed

I always show that I am stressed.

I always said that i want to migrate.

to some place less stressed

relaxed

and slow paced.

 

I blamed the world for bringing me to this state.

 I blame fate for arranging me to be born into this place.

Or being born as me.

I blame everyone.

I blame everything. 

But i forgot one thing.

I forgot to blame myself.

and as a matter of fact,

the main culprit was me.

I'm not going to go blaming myself for not being smart enough for a GPA of 4.0

I'm not going to go  blaming myself that im not miss goody two shoes

I'm not going to go blaming myself for not being a potential VS model.

But I've ought to blame myself,

.

.

For hurting myself.

By bringing myself down

By discrediting myself

By making myself feel small.

so much

 that i end up wounding up in tears that come late at night.

Do you see what i mean by im ill?

Im so sick in the mind that im actually abusing myself.

Im so sick, that i am rendering myself in a life that i feel happy,

but finding faults with it to make myself unhappy.

Mr Dy asked me if im happy. 

I said,

"Yes I am"

But he asked if im happy with my current life, with my family.

I am,

I do feel that im a really blessed girl.

But am i really happy,

with myself?

Not my way of life, not my family, not my friends

Am i happy, 

with who i see myself as?

Or rather, 

Am i even allowing myself to express how unhappy i actually am

in front of people other than myself, and my family

Of course not.

I have learn how fortunate i am, 

as compared to so many people in the entire world

but 

Why am i always so heavy hearted.

Why do i leave house with a frown everyday.

Why do i enter the house with a frown everyday.

Why do i drag my feet, 

look down,

slouched back,

and

just so unhappy when im alone.

And i have to reiterate,

I am ill.

Or maybe i just let the devil take over me

I stared up to the ceiling of my room,

staring at blank space.

And then i try to play back snippets of my life

like my mind is a projector and the ceiling was the screen.

I saw how my face changed. 

how a smile turned into a frown.

how a furrowed brow and forehead always formed.

I felt how different i have been from the past. 

Or rather, i feel different from who i was, just 2 years ago.

Yes, people always told me that i look fierce.

I told them its my default face. 

But i know that its not just that.

people can look at my default face and feel that i am just tired,

that was how it was last time. 

but now,

people look at me,

and ask me why am i so upset/angry.

Ive already unknowingly channeled and emitted 

a sense of unhappiness around me.

and it affects people around me

okay, im not trying to make this another emo-ish blogpost.

im just writing out what my thoughts have been on, 

apart from the times that i was overwhelmed by school work.

as a matter of fact,

i just wanted this blogpost to make myself read what my mind is telling me

because my mind is such a messy circuit of thoughts, 

i dont even know what leads to what.

But im just happy that, 

i figured that im ill.

because only then, i know how to recover.

ive been ill for the past 2 years,

and i will take time to recuperate.

tho not much now.

because there is still so much work.

but i will.

Because i dont want to hurt myself anymore.

Ive been mentally abusing my mind, my soul.

Ive been telling myself, that im never good enough.

Ive been telling myself that im never comparable to people.

Ive been putting redundant stress on myself.

Ive been expecting too much from myself. 

Ive been too demanding

too harsh

too numb

to all of these.

 i let it continue on for such a long period of time

and its about time it stopped.

And for anyone out there, 

don't follow my footsteps.

Have you beaten yourself up for just scoring lesser than an A

or just scoring lesser than what you think you deserve.

Have you made a mental note about how you want to be someone else, 

how you hated you for who you are

Have you ever blamed yourself,

for just not being good enough.

I did.

And i was really unhappy

stop now.

before you inflict more harm on yourself.

Stop, abusing yourself. 

Its okay to fail, but dont let it get to you.

I let it get to me,

and look at where it got me.

Unhappiness.

Stress. 

Hair fall.

LOL.

okay byez. idk where this is going or if this even makes sense. Im such a complicated person that i hold so many different persona in me that its confusing me. But from now, i will strive, to become ChewLin again. that one true genuine person inside of me.

         If i die young,
        bury me in satin, 
        lay me down, 
       on a bed of roses.
       Sink me in the river at dawn, 
       send me away 
       with the words of a love song.